My new friend

I have been meaning to write this post for over a week now, <sigh>. So, here it goes

Oh yeah! finally I managed to make friends with someone, her name is San… . I started working at this place like a year and eight months ago and we are friends for three weeks now, yeah, it took time. But the best part is, we are similar in many ways.

I have liked her as a person, the way she wears the hijab, I never got to see that kind of thing from back home, this was something I really appreciated about her.

I can say, she has begun to be a good friend of mine, we talk a lot less and we chat a lot more(for the past three weeks at least ).

I really like this time of being friends with her.

There is not much to say about her right now, am actually confused right now as to what should I be writing or should I actually be writing.

 

 

“apologise for what??????????????????”

When you have a comment on something posted from somewhere in one of  your blues then sometime over a year ago or even longer than that, it gives a strange realization, the comment was “apologise for what??????????????????” , which I believe now makes a good title for this post.

The name from the email of the person who posted this comment seemed familiar. I just woke up from my sleep, checked my phone for emails, there this comment was. I didn’t like the comment at first. I had to get ready for the day. I kept it on hold, only to give a proper response.

As I started for the day, It made it realize, I had full authority over this comment now, I could approve, delete, reject, spam, trash this. It was MY decision to make, my call totally what so ever. The second thing is it was funny, I don’t even remember what had made me put up this post then, all I remember is I felt terrible when I had put this up, one of my hardest times I can say.

Thanks to the fact that I had put it a name in there, the face of which is nowhere close to my memory now.

This happens, we all feel bad, the funny thing is everything from the present is going to be a part of the past, once it is a part of the past I just tend to let it go, move on. It is past after all.

The name on the comment “whocares”, right, exactly!, who cares after all. It is one life for heaven’s sake. I have realized there is more to life, than just to sit and brood around.

There are people who actually need you, there are people for whom you are just an option, there are people who could make false claims about wanting you. Then there are the ones, who just go away with no notice and come back, take you for granted. There are the ones who just keep walking their road no matter what or how they make you feel. There are those few to whom you can just go, no matter what or when.

All you could do is choose wisely, but in case you couldn’t you would learn a lot.

The so called last one.

I am not single anymore, engaged, still a bachelor though. September 15, I will be done with being 26 by tonight, 16th early morning to be precise.
So what is going to be different I don’t know. So Ramadhan, 26th birthday, have been last as a bachelor InshaAllah,so shall be Bakrid InshaAllah.
Happy I can say I am with being engaged,we don’t speak though, my fiancee n I. We’ve wanted to keep it that way till the wedding.
So what else is new people (as though there is an audience. A ton and more thanks to the Almighty for helping me be and become what I am.

To Be or Not To Be

The days are growing terribly painful, my presence at work is not being of any satisfaction to me. It seems like I am losing all my best.

I stay back at work doing nothing, I stay up all night browsing, watching videos, movies what not. The workouts have almost stopped, life seems to have stood still now from a few days, I don’t know where and how am I gonna land up in a few weeks from now. It is a sick mindset what I have right now.

I feel stupid of myself. I am out of any known relationship, the only people I am in touch with is my parents. Friends seem to have gone long, far away. I don’t have any sort of companionship around. I don’t say I am lonely, but surely a company would help a million times.

I have built up tonnes to speak, but with whom is the question. I sit in the bathroom often talking to myself, sometimes even loud enough.

Why does life have to lead into so many complexities, as we grow, especially at 25.

I know just a few simple things like hanging on in times like these will take a long way, but why. Why do we eventually have to look at people who are irrelevantly selfish, sounding silly more than always. Why do we have to …..

I have spent a few days not working at all, and having hell lot of work at the office. The days just go and leave a trace of unhappiness. I see someone at the office, I admire her a lot, for some reason I cant just go straight and talk to her. That is something that grows really embarrassing, it makes me feel cowardly.

How long would I take long rides on bikes, just walk around in streets, eat out alone in diners and restaurants. How long would I have to charge my phone once in four days and pay nothing more than the rental and service bills for my phone. How long will I have to go to sleep being sick. How long will I have to say to myself that I love music and that is what brings me out of the blues. I like these things, I have loved to be like that and I have loved the way things have been so far. But I guess now things I have to change, but the change now is clueless, where do I start, what is going to end with. Where are my dreams?  What is the cost I have to pay to get them done?

I just don’t sit and dream, I work and I have worked my *** off for long enough. I wonder what it would like to attain bliss.

Sometimes I feel to jump off a cliff and fall to no end. I need peace of mind. I want to talk to someone. But I want to make clear that I am fine, it is just that things can be so much better.

Will it matter?

It is the same thing again, something is wrong, I dont know if I should have gone to Seema’s wedding. If it was not for Seema I would have not gone. It felt happy to attend her wedding, but the fact that I had to come across so many faces that I wish I will never have to was something that needed some time. I didn’t like them, they have not changed, not even a bit. They are the same old mean people who still don’t have time for friends, friends for them mean people who exist in pictures and not anything else. All of them seemed happy I wonder if they really were.

I took a few pics of Seema, I would never see her again as a bride, that was the reason.

Is it since that that day that I am off the track or something I don’t know, but It has been a very long time since I have smiled properly and even looked out of my bedroom window.

I am not sad or unhappy, but a feeling of loneliness is taking me over apparently. I think I need some company. I now don’t understand how to start interacting with people. There is tremendous pressure a work and I feel bad about the way the work is going monotonous these days and I feel I am not giving my best at work.

I feel awfully stupid of myself and I hate myself when I am like this. Half asleep, middle of the night, struggling to sleep, confused, irritated, tired that is how I feel. I wish I could jump off a cliff and just keep falling.

 

Life @ 25

What happens around sometimes confuses me, I don’t even know where to begin with, where did the boredom start from, from staying in hostels, eating out for the past 4 and odd years, years of working with no such thing called as proper satisfaction or with something like trying to make friends and failing at it, or shall I say many futile attempts to search where does happiness lie at all, in talking to someone, in sharing thoughts, in making someone else happy. Where?

Sometimes I feel life aint good, it is like living the same day over and over and over again. Things start to make me feel as if i have become a PIA to myself, I aint. I see the same thing in so many people around, do they fake being happy and content or is it just that they go with the flow, I am not a man of that type I like to live by my own rules.

Things start to feel boring so soon, no matter what we do. Or is it being single even at 25 that makes the mind go insane, then I think, how much does having someone next to you solve an issue like this. Is it practical at all. Things have started to appear like a sine wave all ups and downs of emotions, episodes of stroke like, where in the mind thinks and does its best at times and then freezes like the time is still and anything it does would be of no significance at all.

Was it the episode of priya and nitin that has turned my mind insane or is it my wish to live and love as I wanted to created such a havoc.

It is not about being depressed or discontent or dissatisfied here. For me its just a phase I am going through, a quarter life crisis might be. But this aint good, too much of boredom.

I have tons to speak, things I cant just speak with everyone, its just one right person that helps and I have waited long enough, and I still am. Why did this line come in, I don’t know.

This is a little complicated.

The look, the thought and the lingering

It was just like any other Friday evening, winding up work and planning to leave and catch ride home, I was in a hurry, just came out of the rest room, to sort my workstation out and call it a day.

And as I was walking towards my place I had a glimpse, a glimpse would be a longer period of time in this situation. We usually smile each other at very rare occasions when we happen to have a look at each other, the chances are like 1 to a 100 or 200 or 300. And these days she waves a ‘hi’ at me when such an encounter happens.

It was something else this time, it has been three days and that look on her face is still fresh on my mind, it was probably the best expression I had ever seen, from what I had observed, there was just a wait, a hopeful wait. I don’t know what it was for, but the face felt so gracious.

I fail to describe the emotion that I went through then and the one I am going through now. I haven’t yet seen her at the office, but sure would love to say a ‘hi’ to her.

And this is the thing that is getting me back to blogging, I know I am missed around here but still.

What I feel really bad about is, it struck a lot later after that moment passed that I could have stayed back held back myself for a little while more and cherished the time.

I feel guilty.

Knock Knock!

I don’t understand what is happening with me, seriously what the **** am I doing with my life? Where is it going?

Here, there. Then and now

I used to write, I loved to. I still do.

A couple of years ago, I used to write whenever I felt like, no matter what it was. These days I am just getting busy, busy and busier. Lots of work, lots of people to manage. The funniest part comes when I know I am capable of doing a thing, but the only reason my task is considered a failure is because “my team” couldn’t deliver.

Now everyday I think, what is happening?

I started writing this blog somewhere around 11 am and now its 1 am, I have been working for the 15th hour now, looking into two projects, and making sure 7 people with me have sufficient work for the day.

Life becomes full of surprises as we grow and it sometimes becomes harder to accept those changes, really hard. Parents start to have health issues, you start feeling the need to have someone around you. There are times when you don’t go home any longer to take a break, but just to make sure your folks back home are doing good.

Sometimes I look at the way life has turned out and feels like life is a bitch, but I cant lose hope because of something is not feeling to be right.

Things don’t remain the same, people keep changing. Sometimes thoughts just keep rushing into your mind. It very often happens with me that I start thinking aloud these days. Questions about future, life, parents keep coming into head time and again, and there is no way that we can let go of such thoughts. I mean they are a fact and they have to be accepted. Someone you love is gonna pass away eventually, nothing is eternal. Neither our pain or our gains, the loss or the success we earn.

Sometimes I feel I get saturated with things, so saturated that something that would be the best to excite me now fails and is now just a piece in the dust bin of thoughts.

Thoughts that seemingly don’t matter keep paying a visit to my already cluttered head.

The very fact that I have been writing this piece of blog since a long time shows how things are. There were times when I could write a blog or perhaps more than one a day. Might be its just that I need a good job, reduce the travel and consider things only to a certain extent and let them not bother me. I even forget to live in the moment sometimes and start feeling my presence only after I have spoken something.

Not that I am complaining, but it is just that I feel I deserve better, a lot better.

I never knew something so much would be expected out of me, I have to outgrow my age, behave more mature than I am. This is how life is going on.

No complaints, but a lack of satisfaction.

To her,

It has now been over a year I have seen her. In fact we met so that she could give me my birthday present weeks before it actually was and also to invite me to her wedding.

I never expected that day that it would be so long and time would pass by thinking hearing from you every single day, how ever busy I would be, never an occasion passed without me having scrolled to your number on my phone, but I wouldn’t dial, some sort of fear would stop me, it still does.

The texts that I get from you, “… will call you soon”, I still wait how soon is it going to be. Not that I don’t understand what you are going through. But it would have been great simply to hear you speak for a little while at least. I don’t complain about such things, but you know…

I was never in love with you, not even close. One thought that always comes to my mind and I often say this to Khaja is “I have no complaints with life, but surely her presence around would have made things a lot better”.

We never really shared problems or so, but I really like the way we build a relation and how we have respect for each other. You are the first woman I have liked so much, besides the obvious ones.  I miss the way you speak continuously sometimes.

I miss the way we used to catch up randomly for a pizza sometimes, I haven’t had a pizza since then, no proper company to go out you see.

So many things have happened with us, they’ve made us grow with time, taught us change the way we think, but still none of that changed the way we looked for each other. The fact that we both had people around us who meant a lot to each us, but the importance they had never was a factor for us being available for each other when we needed to talk or catch up for a pizza.

One thing added to my realization is that as we grow, people around us grow busy and we grow busy for them too, and we very often lose track of them. But there still will be a few people who talk to you just like yesterday, you are one of those.

It wasn’t easy for me when I split with priya, and the fact that you couldn’t help me move on with it made me realize that, there are certain times when you don’t needs someone’s sympathy or empathy, it is just someone’s being next to you would suffice.

I wish I could really find a chance to say all this to you, but I am not sure how things would go along.

The scare

I don’t still know what it is about that dream a couple of days ago. But it scares me.

25

That is how old I am now. 25.

Life is beautiful.

Whatever you call it.

, just realised after seeing their pic in the “people you may know” section of facebook that whatever you say to people, no matter how close you think you are to them, or how they make you feel. They just do what they have to, but sometimes you are the who takes all the burn, short or long, deep or superficial, and they just walk past it like they never knew you, atleast it seems to be, but seeing is believing right? So I thought, let it be, if they can after being guilty, so can being the not guilty one, all i did was try to help them.
Forgiving someone needs lot of courage, courage to see yourself hurt and heal over it, courage to look at them and walk away like nothing happened and yet keep in mind, that this could happen again. But it all depends on me how I go ahead, how I decide on things.

What was supposed to be a “whats on your mind” on facebook is now a blog, the one that brings me back. And makes me take off the protection on this one, because I didnt like Priya reading it and making a mess out of our 14 years friendship.

Bye bye woman.

But you know just for the sake of humanity, next time this happens to someone else because of you, make sure you atleast apologize.

:)

I guess Happiness is a virtue.

:)

??silence??

The worst state of mind ever.

I wanna talk

i wanna talk to someone right now, not the people i know. someone new. someone who can talk to me. i dont know what this is called.

:)

Wake up everyday mornin’ and I have a place to go and work, the work also pays you descent enough. People know me there and also like me. I don’t see anything bad on their faces when someone talks to me or asks me something. I am good at a few things and can solve problems, do the work assigned good enough.

Enough work to put me to sleep easily at night. A good place to stay, the place is not mine though, is rented.

I’ve been far from my parents, mentally and geographically and I’ve been close to them both ways. I have seen my mother have a stroke and then recover from it. I have seen them happy, troubled, sad, concerned, and proud. My siblings, the same with them. I love my two cute little nephews.

I have known people who used to be my friends yet be enough of “just there”, and people of the kind that let me think before I speak, people of the kind.  I have known people who could just call you a best friend and never care to see if you are alive from the next day. I have seen tall promises break.

I have done things that could have hurt people; I have been bad at times. And I have apologized every single time for a number of times for every little such feeling.

I have been lazy to postpone things for months and I have been careful to finish things right in the middle of the night.

I have Jaffar, Prem, Pra…, Cha… with whom I can just speak or chat without having any thought in the back of my head, straight what comes to my mind.

I don’t have to ask something, I can do what I want. I can say I am free, I don’t feel bound.

Sometimes there are moments when I really want to speak a lot but I run out of people, but I guess that is how the value of a company is realized and I really like those moments as of now. No complaints. And what else, lots of movies to watch, music to listen, blogs to read.

Life is good.

At times I feel saturated though, but it’s ok, that is something that keeps things of interest coming in, Changes are the only things that are constant, aren’t they?

? ? ? ? ? ? ?

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

Where to?

Lazing around, watching movies, laptop has not been turned off for more than 48 hours now, connected to the internet, sleepless, got some paper work and homework to do.

I really dont understand how this 3 day weekend went away and where to. I’ve been eating out a lot, not being able to wakeup in the mornin, missing my prayers, where to is it that I am heading. Is it a path to self destruction, is it a path to the satan’s home. Where am I headed to?

a little more…

Breath into me a little more bravery, a little more zeal, a little more life and a little more of devotion.

Breath into me a little more patience, a little more peace, a little more faith and a little more life

Breath into me a little more of me, a little more of You, give me a little more of myself.