Questions, thoughts and the silences

So, its been close to two weeks now since the engagement thing happened. I am not sure if I have reacted/responded to that thing yet, but all I feel pretty close to nothing on that regard, good or bad it is I don’t have a clue, but that is how it is and how it has been for the past few days.

All these days I haven’t shown up Facebook, or appeared online on GTalk. I am in touch with only two people apart from my parents, Jaffar and San…, I don’t really understand how things are going to be now on, but something like this happens, it leaves a gap in your heart, or let me say, at least mine for a long enough time.

Sometimes I feel a rush of anger in me and I am left with nothing to do about it absolutely nothing. I am not sure if I have spoken to someone as to what I feel about what had happened, but sometimes, no matter how much you want to talk, you can’t and how much you talk, it leaves so much of discomfort inside, that you would want to talk more.

Random questions come in my mind, questions I don’t want to face or answer. It is raining weddings around here and people ask me when would my wedding dates be, I am then forced to say to them about the call off. Things are happening and I am trying to build up patience for this matter. I guess I have it, but you never know, never faced such a thing.

Why am I even writing this up here? I am not sure, I just did write but.

And what do I have to say, I have started to go bad at expressing already.

I am not depressed or sad, but why am I not reacting yet.

The thing

The situation has been weird lately, now that my wedding has been called off and friends, acquaintances are coming to know of it, all they just say is “All that happens is for good”, “Take it in a positive sense”. Yes, I do understand that, but you know what, I have at least that much faith in God that I can understand that fact. Dude, bro you are not helping me here, please say something I don’t already know. I mean it is not going to be easy on me getting over it, no seriously I mean it. It’s been over a week and I haven’t reacted to that thing yet, all I feel is anger and disgust, should I be feeling sad, depressed? What should be my exact feeling? I am still confused about what to feel.

I am tired of all these people who say “Chill”, “think positive”, “happens for good”. I know all those things damn it!, I appreciate that you are trying to console me, but don’t you know I know all these things and you got to come up with something more than that to console me. If you can’t then please don’t try to because you feel like.  I don’t mind you not talking to me. Just because we know each other doesn’t mean you have to console me.

“I don’t know what to say”, “I feel sad and bad”, “I know you are not alright”. My three good friends told those to me.

I had seen this coming, the calling off thing, but yes even that I don’t know how hard it is going to be on me. Things like keep your heart scared for a long time.

Let me try and handle it.

They say not any more.

So, as of 5th Feb 2012, I am single again. The wedding has been called off, supposed to happen four months later from now. The reason, let us just say, they wanted a reason to call it off.

A promise broken.

Am I sad and feeling bad or something, I really don’t know. I am either still confused about what happened and how it happened. I have always tried to be a good person, tried to follow what my faith has always asked me to, now if people start having a problem with that, so be it.

Not really in a state of mind to put something up here.

Alhamdulillah, ShukranAllah.