Archive for the 'Pages from my diary' Category

Love you too

So, there is somebody who has been searching for “love you tauseef” on Google that apparently leads to my blog. Now I am pretty sure that this somebody loves some Tauseef, (this cannot be me, I am not that loveable that people would Google for me 😀 ).

Whoever it is, I wish that this somebody finds their tauseef.

Or is it that they land on this page and go away without reading anything from here? What ever it is, love you too for such a phrase to be searching with.

May you find the one you long for so much. But you know, it is all in saying it out. All I have always believed is, if you love someone, say it. It saves so much trouble.

All the best.

Take care.

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Truth be told.

What is it, that feels so free these days, like nothing ever happened, no bounds, nothing penetrating inside the brain to suck out the life fluids, like something that stopped me from stepping on my feet and moving out. It feels unleashed, unhooked and free. Solitude I have missed for a little long living among people, the like, the unlike, the wise, the unwise, the straight, the crooked, the doubting, the believing.

It feels there is nothing beyond the obvious bonds, I feel free. Normalcy is what I call it and they simply know it as insanity. Back to self sufficiency or an increased level of self respect?

The beasts seem to have calmed down, thoughts seem to have aligned, except this feels like a mind at rest and the one getting ready for a bigger battle ahead.

Stumbling thoughts, gone out of stream at times when it comes to writing. Peace is in being alone sometimes, for me most of the times it is being alone, just me. The mask of social behavior is now gone, I am now all to myself, just the way it has always been. To myself and to no one else, for some reason it feels better this way, has always felt. But yes, much of life is only beyond our comfort zones; and that perimeter just extends to oneself and no one else.

The feeling of being in the moment, be it making tea with my mother or running my fingers through my wife’s hair, or just lifting up my nephews or just handing my father his glass of cold drink. The heat, the softness, the giggles and the wetness of condensed air, those are the little things I have always loved and will always love.

Living by reasons, except for abstractions where needed and only if needed. People may not be thinking like me, they never will, and I let those souls get what they expect, what I think they expect.

Truth be told, yes it has to be; the straighter the better.

Me, Shanthi and the catch up

So, it so happens, Seema gets in touch with Shanti(I know the spelling mistake and I love to make it) and asks her if it is ok if Tauseef talks to you, she speaks and there I go, I go ahead and talk to her. We catch up and talk and she said, she is happy to talk again finally, like after four years, so am I dear. Thanks Seema

Taus, his head and its components

Sometimes I just want to be alone, it has been a struggle in itself too. I feel I am not able to connect to anyone. I have a terrible difficulty in saying something I feel bad about. Also I feel sometimes I don’t want to be left alone and I don’t want to say this. I wish someone would just understand that and sit by my side and just say “Its going to be okay”.  Someone who would just be stubborn and don’t let me be alone. Do friends do that? Is it something more that I expect from someone I consider to be a friend?

I try to sleep and I can’t. It is a complex state to be in, staring at the ceiling until I fall asleep. Sometimes, the day goes tough, very tough. These days I don’t even understand what to write.

How long does it take for someone to be with me and understand what I want them to say to me when I am upset. Such  a blank mind I have been having lately. I have so many times so wanted to be alone, but had always thought of never leaving people around. I have people around, but they don’t seem to understand, or even if they do, they don’t seem to do anything about it.

Damn! its a terrible place to be in. Not really sure how many of my friends read my blog and understand what I am trying to say. Often I feel people are lost in their world to get back and think about me. Is it that I love them too much or they love me too little. I think sometimes it is not just being loved or loving someone, it is being there and understanding and being understood.

Tired of being alone, and tired of being with a friend and still feeling the same, tired of saying what I want to said and yet not having got to hear it, tired of people just wanting me to get back to being normal and not being talked about it. How long does it take for me to be confident that someone does love me the way I love them. Its a complex feeling to express.

How many times is it not that I have…. and how many times it is that I have not….

I am going to be patient if it is gonna take more time, but I just want my patience to be rewarded. Is it too much to ask?

It is not a complaint, it is not a rant, it is just what I can’t say, I write. It feels like …

“apologise for what??????????????????”

When you have a comment on something posted from somewhere in one of  your blues then sometime over a year ago or even longer than that, it gives a strange realization, the comment was “apologise for what??????????????????” , which I believe now makes a good title for this post.

The name from the email of the person who posted this comment seemed familiar. I just woke up from my sleep, checked my phone for emails, there this comment was. I didn’t like the comment at first. I had to get ready for the day. I kept it on hold, only to give a proper response.

As I started for the day, It made it realize, I had full authority over this comment now, I could approve, delete, reject, spam, trash this. It was MY decision to make, my call totally what so ever. The second thing is it was funny, I don’t even remember what had made me put up this post then, all I remember is I felt terrible when I had put this up, one of my hardest times I can say.

Thanks to the fact that I had put it a name in there, the face of which is nowhere close to my memory now.

This happens, we all feel bad, the funny thing is everything from the present is going to be a part of the past, once it is a part of the past I just tend to let it go, move on. It is past after all.

The name on the comment “whocares”, right, exactly!, who cares after all. It is one life for heaven’s sake. I have realized there is more to life, than just to sit and brood around.

There are people who actually need you, there are people for whom you are just an option, there are people who could make false claims about wanting you. Then there are the ones, who just go away with no notice and come back, take you for granted. There are the ones who just keep walking their road no matter what or how they make you feel. There are those few to whom you can just go, no matter what or when.

All you could do is choose wisely, but in case you couldn’t you would learn a lot.

The so called last one.

I am not single anymore, engaged, still a bachelor though. September 15, I will be done with being 26 by tonight, 16th early morning to be precise.
So what is going to be different I don’t know. So Ramadhan, 26th birthday, have been last as a bachelor InshaAllah,so shall be Bakrid InshaAllah.
Happy I can say I am with being engaged,we don’t speak though, my fiancee n I. We’ve wanted to keep it that way till the wedding.
So what else is new people (as though there is an audience. A ton and more thanks to the Almighty for helping me be and become what I am.
🙂

To Be or Not To Be

The days are growing terribly painful, my presence at work is not being of any satisfaction to me. It seems like I am losing all my best.

I stay back at work doing nothing, I stay up all night browsing, watching videos, movies what not. The workouts have almost stopped, life seems to have stood still now from a few days, I don’t know where and how am I gonna land up in a few weeks from now. It is a sick mindset what I have right now.

I feel stupid of myself. I am out of any known relationship, the only people I am in touch with is my parents. Friends seem to have gone long, far away. I don’t have any sort of companionship around. I don’t say I am lonely, but surely a company would help a million times.

I have built up tonnes to speak, but with whom is the question. I sit in the bathroom often talking to myself, sometimes even loud enough.

Why does life have to lead into so many complexities, as we grow, especially at 25.

I know just a few simple things like hanging on in times like these will take a long way, but why. Why do we eventually have to look at people who are irrelevantly selfish, sounding silly more than always. Why do we have to …..

I have spent a few days not working at all, and having hell lot of work at the office. The days just go and leave a trace of unhappiness. I see someone at the office, I admire her a lot, for some reason I cant just go straight and talk to her. That is something that grows really embarrassing, it makes me feel cowardly.

How long would I take long rides on bikes, just walk around in streets, eat out alone in diners and restaurants. How long would I have to charge my phone once in four days and pay nothing more than the rental and service bills for my phone. How long will I have to go to sleep being sick. How long will I have to say to myself that I love music and that is what brings me out of the blues. I like these things, I have loved to be like that and I have loved the way things have been so far. But I guess now things I have to change, but the change now is clueless, where do I start, what is going to end with. Where are my dreams?  What is the cost I have to pay to get them done?

I just don’t sit and dream, I work and I have worked my *** off for long enough. I wonder what it would like to attain bliss.

Sometimes I feel to jump off a cliff and fall to no end. I need peace of mind. I want to talk to someone. But I want to make clear that I am fine, it is just that things can be so much better.


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