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Missing my baby girl and one of my good friends, the day is turning hard to pass. Moments are just getting heavier with the day. I wish I could do something. One cant speak and the other is just …


Sometimes and always

Everyday that I wake up now has surprises, complications and challenges. Not a day goes by content. I have tried changing everything, I mean my behavior, my time splits, my priorities. I feel like I have not been made to live like peacefully. The work sometimes becomes too much, it becomes very difficult to maintain a balance, but perhaps this is an indication that I need a big change very soon. With the kid, the responsibilities have gone up.

I have never been a satisfied person as such, but things here are just going to another level, everyday that I wake up, I just want to go back to bed again, I look at my colleagues and I feel like I work a lot more than what these people do. I need to earn more money, now the question is whether staying in this job or getting a new one.

What I don’t understand is why is life supposed to be so hard? Why is it that I have always had to run towards things, is it my nature or I attract things like that? Why is is that I end up with utter dissatisfaction with everything I get involved with? Why is it that nothing seems to end properly? Why is it that I cannot take a proper break from things around? Why is it that I really love people and I don’t really love them. Why is it that I end with a thumping heart every morning, why is it that I want to lead a better life when I have everything.

Why is it that I constantly want to change the surroundings I live in? Why is it that I am dissatisfied with any amount of love, work and rest. I get paranoid when I have to decide what I need to do? Why is it that I end up losing everything I loved.

I end up talking to myself of all these things over and over and over again and find no conclusions what so ever, I want to live an extra large life and I find no way towards it.

Now a days, with this new assignment, everything is just getting shattered. I don’t understand if this is the new work or the personal situation I am in right now.


Honestly, this is the lowest in person I have felt in a really long time. Things get complicated at times. I wonder, if I should feel bad or feel good about myself. 

There are these realities and the expectations and the actualities, and then the truth that everything looks to be but is not. Tough phase of life at work, never able to understand who is a confidant here and who is not. This part of the world seems so mean, meaner than the rest of the world; of course in the end it is our purpose that matters. Everyone is mean in one way or the other.

It is just that life gets complicated sometimes and simplifying it is yet another complexity. 

Sometimes I feel, even in every day life, there is so much ground to cover; I mean is it that I think too much or take life a little too seriously. Of course it is to take seriously, there is an entire family looking up to you, and to make a mention at work, look and what I do and look at how they see it.

But if these people around are expecting so much, then I must have done something right for sure. But why does it feel like a ton, to feel ok and let things be. Is it that there is so much I want to do in life and I am here, is it because of that I could never look up to someone and speak this out. Is is because of what I expect from life and it comes in front of me like this. But the bigger the dream, the bigger the price.

All I have realized is, nothing good comes easy; and if something isn’t supposed to stay, it wont.

Well, all I ask from Allah SWT is that to keep them thinking of me as highly as they are thinking right now and to cover all my faults and elevate me in His sight and theirs; grant me with the fortune to fulfill everyone’s and my expectations about me and my life, Aameen.

chaos internal

Its been a terrible few months when I talk to myself and see what is going on, sometimes it becomes so hard to move on over someone or something. And, you have moved on, yet feel held at times; and a moment later you snap back into reality. Some things just change us once and for all. 

Life at times poses something so stupid in front of us at times.

The rest of the life, remains as is; it is when I look around and begin to see, seeing as in really seeing, not just the view.

Phases of test; Alhamdulillah; 

The then and the now

Things just seem strange these days, I wonder what is wrong. I am half present at times and the present comes like a surprise to me often. I have began to think if I am going delusional. Familiar faces, and friends now seem strange, this feeling of not being able to connect to someone makes it worse.

People who once were friends now seem far apart, there was a time when most secretive things were shared, confided and discussed and now, there is nothing but this maze of hideous separations. All that it is, is just that it is becoming increasingly difficult to trust people around, or rather trust the thoughts of people around. 

Something or the other happens with everyone, but does it mean everyone around must face their wrath for some small/big unfairness done to them? 

It is true, when it comes to keeping oneself happy, one can go to any extent to do so, sooner or later. I guess this is just a test as to how we hold before we are forced down to our knees.

Someone once talked about everything and every little thing that he wanted to be hidden from the world, the next thing I know is, he doesn’t care for my being around. I am socially difficult too, but yes, before once turns a cold shoulder, one better remind oneself of what they have had in common.

From being best friends to strangers, from midnight birthday wishes to being forgetful. All I realize is the best of my friends have been they with whom I have just been friends and our friendship was limited to dinners and a few walks and not the ones that I spent late nights with,n or walked having ice creams, nor the ones even where I was totally happy but those where my moments were measured in terms of being there and not only being present, where my anger/desperation was understood and not judged. All it could just be that I was a difficult person to befriend with and only a few could hold on to me. And rather, expectations are the cause for such disappointments.

But yes, things do change their priority but does that mean we forget other things to the core. Things might want to change us, but how far is it justifiable for us to let them. We are eventually a part of the bigger picture, everything we do or we don’t do will cause something to happen or not happen. The Butterfly Effect what they say.

Of course, we are humans, susceptibility is only our second nature, we get easily influence by things. I do not hold myself separate from this, we all do a lot of things merely on the basis of the situation rather than foreseeing the consequences of it.

And then….

So, its weird how things are at one time and then they are gone all of a sudden. How things change and how we humans react and respond to them. Funny how life tends to bring to us our most important lessons, but the question is do we learn from them? Or just let things be and fall prey to the circumstances. How complicated could this be to understand what is right in front of us as clear and it could be and yet we fail to understand its true meanings. Holding on to hope, does pay well. In a way or the other. Prayers are eventually answered, what you want will be granted in the way you want or a way the Almighty decreed it to be.

The wisdom sometimes lies in waiting for things to happen, sometimes they take time and sometimes they are just clear and happen in a jiffy. Holding on to a few things could just seem right, but there are times when one would realise, there is a lot at stake whilst holding on to these things.

People and mentalities change or do they evolve? Both of them I guess.

What if we all had the same sense of thought, appreciate the same thing, deny the same thing, live the same way. How would that be? Is it not what we want some how? Things to be the way we wanted them all to be. Have you ever felt that peace at heart when something has turned out the way the way you never expected it to be, the feeling of “it cannot go any worse than this, Thank God!”.

That thing we call hope, you know in the deepest of your hearts that a thing won’t work out yet you still wish with a small peace of your heart that it does somehow, and either ways you are prepared for what is to come. Not many could have gone through that phase I suppose.

Something happened yesterday and today, things I did see coming but yet hoped they wouldn’t, things were big for me. Of course it is matter of one’s perspective we could regard even the smallest thing with the highest if importances or otherwise. And an irony it stands to be how I thought about us being and behaving ourselves. At one moment apparently, finally we all lose it, leave things to change us, but patience in such cases to stand and withstand what is being put in front of us.

I am pretty sure I am falling sick, fever has been taking me over the past couple of days, I better stop writing this and continue at some point of time else.

The so called last one.

I am not single anymore, engaged, still a bachelor though. September 15, I will be done with being 26 by tonight, 16th early morning to be precise.
So what is going to be different I don’t know. So Ramadhan, 26th birthday, have been last as a bachelor InshaAllah,so shall be Bakrid InshaAllah.
Happy I can say I am with being engaged,we don’t speak though, my fiancee n I. We’ve wanted to keep it that way till the wedding.
So what else is new people (as though there is an audience. A ton and more thanks to the Almighty for helping me be and become what I am.

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January 2019
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