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And then….

So, its weird how things are at one time and then they are gone all of a sudden. How things change and how we humans react and respond to them. Funny how life tends to bring to us our most important lessons, but the question is do we learn from them? Or just let things be and fall prey to the circumstances. How complicated could this be to understand what is right in front of us as clear and it could be and yet we fail to understand its true meanings. Holding on to hope, does pay well. In a way or the other. Prayers are eventually answered, what you want will be granted in the way you want or a way the Almighty decreed it to be.

The wisdom sometimes lies in waiting for things to happen, sometimes they take time and sometimes they are just clear and happen in a jiffy. Holding on to a few things could just seem right, but there are times when one would realise, there is a lot at stake whilst holding on to these things.

People and mentalities change or do they evolve? Both of them I guess.

What if we all had the same sense of thought, appreciate the same thing, deny the same thing, live the same way. How would that be? Is it not what we want some how? Things to be the way we wanted them all to be. Have you ever felt that peace at heart when something has turned out the way the way you never expected it to be, the feeling of “it cannot go any worse than this, Thank God!”.

That thing we call hope, you know in the deepest of your hearts that a thing won’t work out yet you still wish with a small peace of your heart that it does somehow, and either ways you are prepared for what is to come. Not many could have gone through that phase I suppose.

Something happened yesterday and today, things I did see coming but yet hoped they wouldn’t, things were big for me. Of course it is matter of one’s perspective we could regard even the smallest thing with the highest if importances or otherwise. And an irony it stands to be how I thought about us being and behaving ourselves. At one moment apparently, finally we all lose it, leave things to change us, but patience in such cases to stand and withstand what is being put in front of us.

I am pretty sure I am falling sick, fever has been taking me over the past couple of days, I better stop writing this and continue at some point of time else.

Me, Shanthi and the catch up

So, it so happens, Seema gets in touch with Shanti(I know the spelling mistake and I love to make it) and asks her if it is ok if Tauseef talks to you, she speaks and there I go, I go ahead and talk to her. We catch up and talk and she said, she is happy to talk again finally, like after four years, so am I dear. Thanks Seema

Taus, his head and its components

Sometimes I just want to be alone, it has been a struggle in itself too. I feel I am not able to connect to anyone. I have a terrible difficulty in saying something I feel bad about. Also I feel sometimes I don’t want to be left alone and I don’t want to say this. I wish someone would just understand that and sit by my side and just say “Its going to be okay”.  Someone who would just be stubborn and don’t let me be alone. Do friends do that? Is it something more that I expect from someone I consider to be a friend?

I try to sleep and I can’t. It is a complex state to be in, staring at the ceiling until I fall asleep. Sometimes, the day goes tough, very tough. These days I don’t even understand what to write.

How long does it take for someone to be with me and understand what I want them to say to me when I am upset. Such  a blank mind I have been having lately. I have so many times so wanted to be alone, but had always thought of never leaving people around. I have people around, but they don’t seem to understand, or even if they do, they don’t seem to do anything about it.

Damn! its a terrible place to be in. Not really sure how many of my friends read my blog and understand what I am trying to say. Often I feel people are lost in their world to get back and think about me. Is it that I love them too much or they love me too little. I think sometimes it is not just being loved or loving someone, it is being there and understanding and being understood.

Tired of being alone, and tired of being with a friend and still feeling the same, tired of saying what I want to said and yet not having got to hear it, tired of people just wanting me to get back to being normal and not being talked about it. How long does it take for me to be confident that someone does love me the way I love them. Its a complex feeling to express.

How many times is it not that I have…. and how many times it is that I have not….

I am going to be patient if it is gonna take more time, but I just want my patience to be rewarded. Is it too much to ask?

It is not a complaint, it is not a rant, it is just what I can’t say, I write. It feels like …

“apologise for what??????????????????”

When you have a comment on something posted from somewhere in one of  your blues then sometime over a year ago or even longer than that, it gives a strange realization, the comment was “apologise for what??????????????????” , which I believe now makes a good title for this post.

The name from the email of the person who posted this comment seemed familiar. I just woke up from my sleep, checked my phone for emails, there this comment was. I didn’t like the comment at first. I had to get ready for the day. I kept it on hold, only to give a proper response.

As I started for the day, It made it realize, I had full authority over this comment now, I could approve, delete, reject, spam, trash this. It was MY decision to make, my call totally what so ever. The second thing is it was funny, I don’t even remember what had made me put up this post then, all I remember is I felt terrible when I had put this up, one of my hardest times I can say.

Thanks to the fact that I had put it a name in there, the face of which is nowhere close to my memory now.

This happens, we all feel bad, the funny thing is everything from the present is going to be a part of the past, once it is a part of the past I just tend to let it go, move on. It is past after all.

The name on the comment “whocares”, right, exactly!, who cares after all. It is one life for heaven’s sake. I have realized there is more to life, than just to sit and brood around.

There are people who actually need you, there are people for whom you are just an option, there are people who could make false claims about wanting you. Then there are the ones, who just go away with no notice and come back, take you for granted. There are the ones who just keep walking their road no matter what or how they make you feel. There are those few to whom you can just go, no matter what or when.

All you could do is choose wisely, but in case you couldn’t you would learn a lot.

The so called last one.

I am not single anymore, engaged, still a bachelor though. September 15, I will be done with being 26 by tonight, 16th early morning to be precise.
So what is going to be different I don’t know. So Ramadhan, 26th birthday, have been last as a bachelor InshaAllah,so shall be Bakrid InshaAllah.
Happy I can say I am with being engaged,we don’t speak though, my fiancee n I. We’ve wanted to keep it that way till the wedding.
So what else is new people (as though there is an audience. A ton and more thanks to the Almighty for helping me be and become what I am.
🙂

To Be or Not To Be

The days are growing terribly painful, my presence at work is not being of any satisfaction to me. It seems like I am losing all my best.

I stay back at work doing nothing, I stay up all night browsing, watching videos, movies what not. The workouts have almost stopped, life seems to have stood still now from a few days, I don’t know where and how am I gonna land up in a few weeks from now. It is a sick mindset what I have right now.

I feel stupid of myself. I am out of any known relationship, the only people I am in touch with is my parents. Friends seem to have gone long, far away. I don’t have any sort of companionship around. I don’t say I am lonely, but surely a company would help a million times.

I have built up tonnes to speak, but with whom is the question. I sit in the bathroom often talking to myself, sometimes even loud enough.

Why does life have to lead into so many complexities, as we grow, especially at 25.

I know just a few simple things like hanging on in times like these will take a long way, but why. Why do we eventually have to look at people who are irrelevantly selfish, sounding silly more than always. Why do we have to …..

I have spent a few days not working at all, and having hell lot of work at the office. The days just go and leave a trace of unhappiness. I see someone at the office, I admire her a lot, for some reason I cant just go straight and talk to her. That is something that grows really embarrassing, it makes me feel cowardly.

How long would I take long rides on bikes, just walk around in streets, eat out alone in diners and restaurants. How long would I have to charge my phone once in four days and pay nothing more than the rental and service bills for my phone. How long will I have to go to sleep being sick. How long will I have to say to myself that I love music and that is what brings me out of the blues. I like these things, I have loved to be like that and I have loved the way things have been so far. But I guess now things I have to change, but the change now is clueless, where do I start, what is going to end with. Where are my dreams?  What is the cost I have to pay to get them done?

I just don’t sit and dream, I work and I have worked my *** off for long enough. I wonder what it would like to attain bliss.

Sometimes I feel to jump off a cliff and fall to no end. I need peace of mind. I want to talk to someone. But I want to make clear that I am fine, it is just that things can be so much better.

Will it matter?

It is the same thing again, something is wrong, I dont know if I should have gone to Seema’s wedding. If it was not for Seema I would have not gone. It felt happy to attend her wedding, but the fact that I had to come across so many faces that I wish I will never have to was something that needed some time. I didn’t like them, they have not changed, not even a bit. They are the same old mean people who still don’t have time for friends, friends for them mean people who exist in pictures and not anything else. All of them seemed happy I wonder if they really were.

I took a few pics of Seema, I would never see her again as a bride, that was the reason.

Is it since that that day that I am off the track or something I don’t know, but It has been a very long time since I have smiled properly and even looked out of my bedroom window.

I am not sad or unhappy, but a feeling of loneliness is taking me over apparently. I think I need some company. I now don’t understand how to start interacting with people. There is tremendous pressure a work and I feel bad about the way the work is going monotonous these days and I feel I am not giving my best at work.

I feel awfully stupid of myself and I hate myself when I am like this. Half asleep, middle of the night, struggling to sleep, confused, irritated, tired that is how I feel. I wish I could jump off a cliff and just keep falling.

 


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