Posts Tagged 'alone'

To Be or Not To Be

The days are growing terribly painful, my presence at work is not being of any satisfaction to me. It seems like I am losing all my best.

I stay back at work doing nothing, I stay up all night browsing, watching videos, movies what not. The workouts have almost stopped, life seems to have stood still now from a few days, I don’t know where and how am I gonna land up in a few weeks from now. It is a sick mindset what I have right now.

I feel stupid of myself. I am out of any known relationship, the only people I am in touch with is my parents. Friends seem to have gone long, far away. I don’t have any sort of companionship around. I don’t say I am lonely, but surely a company would help a million times.

I have built up tonnes to speak, but with whom is the question. I sit in the bathroom often talking to myself, sometimes even loud enough.

Why does life have to lead into so many complexities, as we grow, especially at 25.

I know just a few simple things like hanging on in times like these will take a long way, but why. Why do we eventually have to look at people who are irrelevantly selfish, sounding silly more than always. Why do we have to …..

I have spent a few days not working at all, and having hell lot of work at the office. The days just go and leave a trace of unhappiness. I see someone at the office, I admire her a lot, for some reason I cant just go straight and talk to her. That is something that grows really embarrassing, it makes me feel cowardly.

How long would I take long rides on bikes, just walk around in streets, eat out alone in diners and restaurants. How long would I have to charge my phone once in four days and pay nothing more than the rental and service bills for my phone. How long will I have to go to sleep being sick. How long will I have to say to myself that I love music and that is what brings me out of the blues. I like these things, I have loved to be like that and I have loved the way things have been so far. But I guess now things I have to change, but the change now is clueless, where do I start, what is going to end with. Where are my dreams?  What is the cost I have to pay to get them done?

I just don’t sit and dream, I work and I have worked my *** off for long enough. I wonder what it would like to attain bliss.

Sometimes I feel to jump off a cliff and fall to no end. I need peace of mind. I want to talk to someone. But I want to make clear that I am fine, it is just that things can be so much better.

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Will it matter?

It is the same thing again, something is wrong, I dont know if I should have gone to Seema’s wedding. If it was not for Seema I would have not gone. It felt happy to attend her wedding, but the fact that I had to come across so many faces that I wish I will never have to was something that needed some time. I didn’t like them, they have not changed, not even a bit. They are the same old mean people who still don’t have time for friends, friends for them mean people who exist in pictures and not anything else. All of them seemed happy I wonder if they really were.

I took a few pics of Seema, I would never see her again as a bride, that was the reason.

Is it since that that day that I am off the track or something I don’t know, but It has been a very long time since I have smiled properly and even looked out of my bedroom window.

I am not sad or unhappy, but a feeling of loneliness is taking me over apparently. I think I need some company. I now don’t understand how to start interacting with people. There is tremendous pressure a work and I feel bad about the way the work is going monotonous these days and I feel I am not giving my best at work.

I feel awfully stupid of myself and I hate myself when I am like this. Half asleep, middle of the night, struggling to sleep, confused, irritated, tired that is how I feel. I wish I could jump off a cliff and just keep falling.

 

a little of my mind

And then they are gone,
like the blue shadows of the clouded day
and like the winds in the storm

and i lay stretched like the leaves of a moving grass blade
and i danced to the tunes of the charmer in my mind
and i but walked into the fires like a hypnotised

Where am I? feels like a lost shadow in the dark
or just too much light to see my own shadow.
Or am I just a camouflaged thought

They say the waters are flowing,
there aint no bridge to stand them over
there aint no bank to walk along

Optimism feels to count no where
And pessimism doesn’t exist
There aint no glories for the killed,

Its just a radical they seem to be
The ideas that live with the lost
And then they are gone.

Oh! and i crave,
when can i be at peace.
can i?

A few little things…

I am in a state of mind, where in I would accept anything, well I can say almost.
Mother’s health, my work, dad’s office, siblings and their families. Well it seems for a while like I have been through a high of emotions, what ever. Fear, anger, love, loneliness, thoughtfulness, disturbed, alone, gratitude, desperation and what not.

And sometimes you feel it would be so nice if all that you have could just be bartered for this one thing that you need right now, and all that you can do is just pray.
Surprising it is, we all are born as humans, the faith that we have sometimes just doesn’t seem strong enough.
Sometimes when you bend down and ask for forgiveness.
Sometimes when you cant accept things, at work or at home or in your mind.
And sometimes when you feel mind effed.
Sometimes when the emotion becomes so high that you know you cant speak that to someone and all u can do is just crave.

When the fears have gone so deep that you dont know what could be the last moment you spend with someone you love the most. And sometimes you start to think Continue reading ‘A few little things…’

;) :) :'( :D :( :P

I want to write, I want to write that I am taking this weekend off, unplanned.

I want to write that I am going home because I am tired of the two weeks full of work, of sleeplessness, of the tiredness, of the feeling that I cannot call to anyone after a 14 hour day even to say that I am tired, the pain in my elbow is not letting me type.

I am going because I am tired of the pressurizing and being rude, asking for the deliverable.

I am tired of having a cold bath everyday morning, I am tired of so many things running in my mind, from my Anti Virus to my acidity.

Because I have been missing my workouts, my early morning Prayers because of the work.

I am tired of understanding the Chan… and Pra… are now married and cant take out time for me, I can’t keep in touch with them as I always used to. I am tired of understanding and accepting that I am alone, not that I am lonely. But yes, I am tired of having my supper alone, going out to restaurants alone.

Because she and him have been coming to my mind, now and them, for no reason! (this doesn’t matter).

I am tired because I can’t say any of the things that are running in my mind to my mother, though we speak everyday.

Do I make any sense as I write this?

Just a few words, I ain’t givin’ up.

‘Spring’ing

I am working presently with Spring, yes. For those who don’t know, it is a framework.

And I swear I am gonna make life easy for at least one person. I shall post my experince, exceptions and how to’s pretty soon!!, just let me get this thing done.

Aaah! i feel so mind effed right now.

Being a me.,

I was totally broken down, couldn’t believe what had happened in that dark unlit room, I was sulking for my headache and my loneliness, it was near to 2200hrs, was all alone. I felt this many times before, even right now! I want to speak to someone. I want to have a best friend, a real best friend.

So last night, I was lost, the edge of me, from where I would start being not me. A stage I would feel bad for a probably longer time than even before.

I sent this text to a colleague of mine,

“I want to forget every single person Continue reading ‘Being a me.,’


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