Posts Tagged 'confusions'

Sometimes and always

Everyday that I wake up now has surprises, complications and challenges. Not a day goes by content. I have tried changing everything, I mean my behavior, my time splits, my priorities. I feel like I have not been made to live like peacefully. The work sometimes becomes too much, it becomes very difficult to maintain a balance, but perhaps this is an indication that I need a big change very soon. With the kid, the responsibilities have gone up.

I have never been a satisfied person as such, but things here are just going to another level, everyday that I wake up, I just want to go back to bed again, I look at my colleagues and I feel like I work a lot more than what these people do. I need to earn more money, now the question is whether staying in this job or getting a new one.

What I don’t understand is why is life supposed to be so hard? Why is it that I have always had to run towards things, is it my nature or I attract things like that? Why is is that I end up with utter dissatisfaction with everything I get involved with? Why is it that nothing seems to end properly? Why is it that I cannot take a proper break from things around? Why is it that I really love people and I don’t really love them. Why is it that I end with a thumping heart every morning, why is it that I want to lead a better life when I have everything.

Why is it that I constantly want to change the surroundings I live in? Why is it that I am dissatisfied with any amount of love, work and rest. I get paranoid when I have to decide what I need to do? Why is it that I end up losing everything I loved.

I end up talking to myself of all these things over and over and over again and find no conclusions what so ever, I want to live an extra large life and I find no way towards it.

Now a days, with this new assignment, everything is just getting shattered. I don’t understand if this is the new work or the personal situation I am in right now.


Randomness-Being Us or rather being ‘Me’

We are who we are.
Aren’t we? Do we change? Will we change?
If so, why would we change? would that reason be so compelling that we change? What makes us change?
What ever it is, the crux of our selves remains the same, its the same kernel we are built over or rather mould ourselves over.
The kindness in a heart still breathes, how so ever mean we become.
The meanness of a person still lurks over in the deepest corners of the true heart.
At one point or the other, how so far we travel, we come back to the same old point where we all started.
We all trust someone we have never seen by mere signatures of the nature and our beliefs, yet we don’t trust the people who walk, talk, live amongst us. Doesn’t it sound strange or does it?
We are who we are, Tauseef is gonna be Tauseef, Fayaz, Fayaz, Jaffar, Noman, Naveen, Naveen, Naveen, My mother, My father, Seema, Swathi, Noman, Badi, Choti, Aabid, Ali are all going to be what they are. Will they? Will we? Will I?
The question sometimes I come across is how far can you hold someone else’s hand when you know that if you don’t let go of the hand you are going to drown to death, how far can you carry the dead weight on your back, how far can you keep bearing the pain for somebody’s happiness for whom you are nothing more than a stranger. Or just how far can someone do the same for you.
How far can you/we in love?(taking an example)
When I got a text on my mobile from a friend’s sister I realized how much could someone love somebody else, I dont know if love grows deep with time and conversations. But that helped me realize how much less is I have loved someone and how much less was I loved back in return.
That means there is more to love and more to be loved
Shan… could have sent me that email where in she tells that she didn’t want to be in contact with me any more, I don’t know was that because she loved him more than she loved me or because she felt that he loved her more than I did, but yes what ever it is, someone always gets to be loved more and some fail at loving. After all expression of feelings alone doesnt create love or deepen it in hearts. Now that she is not our or rather my topic to be discussed here.
And I have learned it the hardway, that everything has a price, not as in currency, but sure there is price to pay.
All this what I typed in, does it make any sense at all?

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June 2018
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