Posts Tagged 'Fear'

The then and the now

Things just seem strange these days, I wonder what is wrong. I am half present at times and the present comes like a surprise to me often. I have began to think if I am going delusional. Familiar faces, and friends now seem strange, this feeling of not being able to connect to someone makes it worse.

People who once were friends now seem far apart, there was a time when most secretive things were shared, confided and discussed and now, there is nothing but this maze of hideous separations. All that it is, is just that it is becoming increasingly difficult to trust people around, or rather trust the thoughts of people around. 

Something or the other happens with everyone, but does it mean everyone around must face their wrath for some small/big unfairness done to them? 

It is true, when it comes to keeping oneself happy, one can go to any extent to do so, sooner or later. I guess this is just a test as to how we hold before we are forced down to our knees.

Someone once talked about everything and every little thing that he wanted to be hidden from the world, the next thing I know is, he doesn’t care for my being around. I am socially difficult too, but yes, before once turns a cold shoulder, one better remind oneself of what they have had in common.

From being best friends to strangers, from midnight birthday wishes to being forgetful. All I realize is the best of my friends have been they with whom I have just been friends and our friendship was limited to dinners and a few walks and not the ones that I spent late nights with,n or walked having ice creams, nor the ones even where I was totally happy but those where my moments were measured in terms of being there and not only being present, where my anger/desperation was understood and not judged. All it could just be that I was a difficult person to befriend with and only a few could hold on to me. And rather, expectations are the cause for such disappointments.

But yes, things do change their priority but does that mean we forget other things to the core. Things might want to change us, but how far is it justifiable for us to let them. We are eventually a part of the bigger picture, everything we do or we don’t do will cause something to happen or not happen. The Butterfly Effect what they say.

Of course, we are humans, susceptibility is only our second nature, we get easily influence by things. I do not hold myself separate from this, we all do a lot of things merely on the basis of the situation rather than foreseeing the consequences of it.


Here I go

Dusted dreams under my pillow
Penned down hopes,
Castles built in sand,
Scapes hidden in glass cases
Loved hearted in red crystal
All under my pillow

Those are just a few I have Those are all I have
Havent ever thought away so far Havent ever dreamt so far

I walk along my boulevards
I walk along the snowed streets
I walk along the sands and storms
The sun shines bright
And the moon’s lit strong

I have no map for the journey I am on for, its only the dream
I have no idea of trees and bushes
I have no idea of the jungle or the garden
All I know I just to walk alone

My dreams my only guides My shadow the only friend
My castles the only stay My Faith, Fear the only shields

All I know I have to dream
All I know I have to walk
All I know I cant give up
All I know I have to survive
All I know is befriend the darkness and bruises
All I know is I cant take a deviation

There is a lot to walk, yes there is.
Bruised a thousand, bled a million times
Yet I survived, yet I will survive.

Its time to walk, its time to dream, its time to read.
Here I go, Here I go, Here I go
Be with me, for You are in what I trust. Be with me.
Here I go, Here I go, Here I go
To earn my honor, to get my grail and sip some water.
Water from the spring there, far on the other end of road

Six truths and a lie.

Every moment goes by with a ton of grief inside my heart, I am all alone, perfectly lonely. Why do I say that? That is because, my siblings are busy at their offices, dad, I guess is busy. One of my friends I wanted to tell, is busy with her work, she is actually tensed about it. Mom just calls in three days later n says she’s sorry that she forgot my birthday and I still don’t know why my dad didn’t wish me this time. They all did last year.

I am as if running to reach no where. Voices I hear are now blurred, nothing is clear. I am lost often. It was ok until it wasn’t affecting my pro life, and it is as if now it has started to eat my self just like the leper’s bacteria bit by bit, breaking me down. Me who I thought was the strongest in

My eyes go red, tears almost. I can’t concentrate on work. I feel I am giving it up, or am I really. Not a day is passing by without this thought decomposing me into the basics of myself. A person who decided to stay away from people almost two years ago, is now confused about his state, someone who used to be happy working till late hours is now unable to concentrate on his work.

I can hardly stand the person I see in the mirror, unknowingly I start to think I was wrong, but the fact remains, I just did what I felt like, I never expected the consequences to be like this.

I am forced to think I am unimportant, I really don’t suffice my existence. I am all lost, feel defeated. As if someone wants me to fall on my knees and give up. I have grown scared of people, relationships and it has taken a real big deal coming out of it. I feel I am being chased by this nightmare which I am actually living; I am scared of thinking and even looking at someone.

All my guts, my confidence now seem to be no where. I feel like speaking, words don’t come out. Every moment I feel lonely I feel I am being sucked out of my happiness, peace. And I know, if I give up on myself, or give in into this it is not going to be any better after that. Things would just go shattered and I would go beyond recognition.

And at the end it remains, I know the solution, but to solve it, it doesn’t lie in my hands.

I aint givin’ up, I aint.

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June 2018
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