Sometimes and always

Everyday that I wake up now has surprises, complications and challenges. Not a day goes by content. I have tried changing everything, I mean my behavior, my time splits, my priorities. I feel like I have not been made to live like peacefully. The work sometimes becomes too much, it becomes very difficult to maintain a balance, but perhaps this is an indication that I need a big change very soon. With the kid, the responsibilities have gone up.

I have never been a satisfied person as such, but things here are just going to another level, everyday that I wake up, I just want to go back to bed again, I look at my colleagues and I feel like I work a lot more than what these people do. I need to earn more money, now the question is whether staying in this job or getting a new one.

What I don’t understand is why is life supposed to be so hard? Why is it that I have always had to run towards things, is it my nature or I attract things like that? Why is is that I end up with utter dissatisfaction with everything I get involved with? Why is it that nothing seems to end properly? Why is it that I cannot take a proper break from things around? Why is it that I really love people and I don’t really love them. Why is it that I end with a thumping heart every morning, why is it that I want to lead a better life when I have everything.

Why is it that I constantly want to change the surroundings I live in? Why is it that I am dissatisfied with any amount of love, work and rest. I get paranoid when I have to decide what I need to do? Why is it that I end up losing everything I loved.

I end up talking to myself of all these things over and over and over again and find no conclusions what so ever, I want to live an extra large life and I find no way towards it.

Now a days, with this new assignment, everything is just getting shattered. I don’t understand if this is the new work or the personal situation I am in right now.

Shallow

Honestly, this is the lowest in person I have felt in a really long time. Things get complicated at times. I wonder, if I should feel bad or feel good about myself. 

There are these realities and the expectations and the actualities, and then the truth that everything looks to be but is not. Tough phase of life at work, never able to understand who is a confidant here and who is not. This part of the world seems so mean, meaner than the rest of the world; of course in the end it is our purpose that matters. Everyone is mean in one way or the other.

It is just that life gets complicated sometimes and simplifying it is yet another complexity. 

Sometimes I feel, even in every day life, there is so much ground to cover; I mean is it that I think too much or take life a little too seriously. Of course it is to take seriously, there is an entire family looking up to you, and to make a mention at work, look and what I do and look at how they see it.

But if these people around are expecting so much, then I must have done something right for sure. But why does it feel like a ton, to feel ok and let things be. Is it that there is so much I want to do in life and I am here, is it because of that I could never look up to someone and speak this out. Is is because of what I expect from life and it comes in front of me like this. But the bigger the dream, the bigger the price.

All I have realized is, nothing good comes easy; and if something isn’t supposed to stay, it wont.

Well, all I ask from Allah SWT is that to keep them thinking of me as highly as they are thinking right now and to cover all my faults and elevate me in His sight and theirs; grant me with the fortune to fulfill everyone’s and my expectations about me and my life, Aameen.

The so called last one.

I am not single anymore, engaged, still a bachelor though. September 15, I will be done with being 26 by tonight, 16th early morning to be precise.
So what is going to be different I don’t know. So Ramadhan, 26th birthday, have been last as a bachelor InshaAllah,so shall be Bakrid InshaAllah.
Happy I can say I am with being engaged,we don’t speak though, my fiancee n I. We’ve wanted to keep it that way till the wedding.
So what else is new people (as though there is an audience. A ton and more thanks to the Almighty for helping me be and become what I am.
🙂

Life @ 25

What happens around sometimes confuses me, I don’t even know where to begin with, where did the boredom start from, from staying in hostels, eating out for the past 4 and odd years, years of working with no such thing called as proper satisfaction or with something like trying to make friends and failing at it, or shall I say many futile attempts to search where does happiness lie at all, in talking to someone, in sharing thoughts, in making someone else happy. Where?

Sometimes I feel life aint good, it is like living the same day over and over and over again. Things start to make me feel as if i have become a PIA to myself, I aint. I see the same thing in so many people around, do they fake being happy and content or is it just that they go with the flow, I am not a man of that type I like to live by my own rules.

Things start to feel boring so soon, no matter what we do. Or is it being single even at 25 that makes the mind go insane, then I think, how much does having someone next to you solve an issue like this. Is it practical at all. Things have started to appear like a sine wave all ups and downs of emotions, episodes of stroke like, where in the mind thinks and does its best at times and then freezes like the time is still and anything it does would be of no significance at all.

Was it the episode of priya and nitin that has turned my mind insane or is it my wish to live and love as I wanted to created such a havoc.

It is not about being depressed or discontent or dissatisfied here. For me its just a phase I am going through, a quarter life crisis might be. But this aint good, too much of boredom.

I have tons to speak, things I cant just speak with everyone, its just one right person that helps and I have waited long enough, and I still am. Why did this line come in, I don’t know.

This is a little complicated.

Knock Knock!

I don’t understand what is happening with me, seriously what the **** am I doing with my life? Where is it going?

Here, there. Then and now

I used to write, I loved to. I still do.

A couple of years ago, I used to write whenever I felt like, no matter what it was. These days I am just getting busy, busy and busier. Lots of work, lots of people to manage. The funniest part comes when I know I am capable of doing a thing, but the only reason my task is considered a failure is because “my team” couldn’t deliver.

Now everyday I think, what is happening?

I started writing this blog somewhere around 11 am and now its 1 am, I have been working for the 15th hour now, looking into two projects, and making sure 7 people with me have sufficient work for the day.

Life becomes full of surprises as we grow and it sometimes becomes harder to accept those changes, really hard. Parents start to have health issues, you start feeling the need to have someone around you. There are times when you don’t go home any longer to take a break, but just to make sure your folks back home are doing good.

Sometimes I look at the way life has turned out and feels like life is a bitch, but I cant lose hope because of something is not feeling to be right.

Things don’t remain the same, people keep changing. Sometimes thoughts just keep rushing into your mind. It very often happens with me that I start thinking aloud these days. Questions about future, life, parents keep coming into head time and again, and there is no way that we can let go of such thoughts. I mean they are a fact and they have to be accepted. Someone you love is gonna pass away eventually, nothing is eternal. Neither our pain or our gains, the loss or the success we earn.

Sometimes I feel I get saturated with things, so saturated that something that would be the best to excite me now fails and is now just a piece in the dust bin of thoughts.

Thoughts that seemingly don’t matter keep paying a visit to my already cluttered head.

The very fact that I have been writing this piece of blog since a long time shows how things are. There were times when I could write a blog or perhaps more than one a day. Might be its just that I need a good job, reduce the travel and consider things only to a certain extent and let them not bother me. I even forget to live in the moment sometimes and start feeling my presence only after I have spoken something.

Not that I am complaining, but it is just that I feel I deserve better, a lot better.

I never knew something so much would be expected out of me, I have to outgrow my age, behave more mature than I am. This is how life is going on.

No complaints, but a lack of satisfaction.

:)

Wake up everyday mornin’ and I have a place to go and work, the work also pays you descent enough. People know me there and also like me. I don’t see anything bad on their faces when someone talks to me or asks me something. I am good at a few things and can solve problems, do the work assigned good enough.

Enough work to put me to sleep easily at night. A good place to stay, the place is not mine though, is rented.

I’ve been far from my parents, mentally and geographically and I’ve been close to them both ways. I have seen my mother have a stroke and then recover from it. I have seen them happy, troubled, sad, concerned, and proud. My siblings, the same with them. I love my two cute little nephews.

I have known people who used to be my friends yet be enough of “just there”, and people of the kind that let me think before I speak, people of the kind.  I have known people who could just call you a best friend and never care to see if you are alive from the next day. I have seen tall promises break.

I have done things that could have hurt people; I have been bad at times. And I have apologized every single time for a number of times for every little such feeling.

I have been lazy to postpone things for months and I have been careful to finish things right in the middle of the night.

I have Jaffar, Prem, Pra…, Cha… with whom I can just speak or chat without having any thought in the back of my head, straight what comes to my mind.

I don’t have to ask something, I can do what I want. I can say I am free, I don’t feel bound.

Sometimes there are moments when I really want to speak a lot but I run out of people, but I guess that is how the value of a company is realized and I really like those moments as of now. No complaints. And what else, lots of movies to watch, music to listen, blogs to read.

Life is good.

🙂

At times I feel saturated though, but it’s ok, that is something that keeps things of interest coming in, Changes are the only things that are constant, aren’t they?

Where to?

Lazing around, watching movies, laptop has not been turned off for more than 48 hours now, connected to the internet, sleepless, got some paper work and homework to do.

I really dont understand how this 3 day weekend went away and where to. I’ve been eating out a lot, not being able to wakeup in the mornin, missing my prayers, where to is it that I am heading. Is it a path to self destruction, is it a path to the satan’s home. Where am I headed to?

Randomness-Being Us or rather being ‘Me’

We are who we are.
Aren’t we? Do we change? Will we change?
If so, why would we change? would that reason be so compelling that we change? What makes us change?
What ever it is, the crux of our selves remains the same, its the same kernel we are built over or rather mould ourselves over.
The kindness in a heart still breathes, how so ever mean we become.
The meanness of a person still lurks over in the deepest corners of the true heart.
At one point or the other, how so far we travel, we come back to the same old point where we all started.
We all trust someone we have never seen by mere signatures of the nature and our beliefs, yet we don’t trust the people who walk, talk, live amongst us. Doesn’t it sound strange or does it?
We are who we are, Tauseef is gonna be Tauseef, Fayaz, Fayaz, Jaffar, Noman, Naveen, Naveen, Naveen, My mother, My father, Seema, Swathi, Noman, Badi, Choti, Aabid, Ali are all going to be what they are. Will they? Will we? Will I?
The question sometimes I come across is how far can you hold someone else’s hand when you know that if you don’t let go of the hand you are going to drown to death, how far can you carry the dead weight on your back, how far can you keep bearing the pain for somebody’s happiness for whom you are nothing more than a stranger. Or just how far can someone do the same for you.
How far can you/we in love?(taking an example)
When I got a text on my mobile from a friend’s sister I realized how much could someone love somebody else, I dont know if love grows deep with time and conversations. But that helped me realize how much less is I have loved someone and how much less was I loved back in return.
That means there is more to love and more to be loved
Shan… could have sent me that email where in she tells that she didn’t want to be in contact with me any more, I don’t know was that because she loved him more than she loved me or because she felt that he loved her more than I did, but yes what ever it is, someone always gets to be loved more and some fail at loving. After all expression of feelings alone doesnt create love or deepen it in hearts. Now that she is not our or rather my topic to be discussed here.
And I have learned it the hardway, that everything has a price, not as in currency, but sure there is price to pay.
All this what I typed in, does it make any sense at all?

Wash me in death

Wash me in death then get me to the salvations

I am but pertained to that single thought

I am often but hugged as a thoughtless

I need no answer to my questions

Just clear let my questions be

For I now have stopped thinking

I now fall close to death,

Feed me some food, feed my hunger

Come to me, help me dream

I am but unclear just as this poem

Are these lines that mean or just a flow of feelings

For I have stopped thinking.

Cut my veins, let the blood flow

Let flow with it my anger and disgust

Let flow with it my thoughts

For I have stopped thinking

Open the windows shed some light on my soul

Let the winds blow let my sweat dry away

Wash me in death, get me to salvations.

23-363

When I was going out for my 11th and 12th standards, Baba(My father) called me and asked to read these lines from a paper and then gave me diary to write these down. He wanted me to learn them, understand them.

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives: Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone may destroy overnight; Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is all between you and GOD; It was never between you and them anyway.

I am no 23years and 363 days old, will be turning 24 and start 25. Being 23 and going through 24 has taught me so much. The whole perspective of life, love, loneliness, trust, friendship, betrayal, loyalty, faith, God, His presence, Iman, Ammi(My mother), Baba has changed so much, I can say I guess it is so much different or rather detailed.

I almost fear nothing these days for I know there is a reason things happen.

People say it is that the

Striking off….

I’ve drawn a line through the center of a few of my posts, all of those 😦 ones……Somehow felt they don’t suit me ….pch pch pch… not at all..I gotto have all of it….

Cheers,

No guilty hearts and no sad thoughts… things are now garbage collected ;-). You know I manage my own memory just like Java. hahahaha..

Things… so many…

What the hell… what am I doing here? There is so much in life, professionally, personally, philosophically, theoretically, practically. There is always more. I was just going through a few blogs, as a part of my usual habit and hobby. I see things so much different, really so much every single time. I feel like as they say “A frog in the well”. Damn this life in the office, there is no scope for exploring, learning, expressing anything at all. S#@t man, seriously.

So many technologies, so many geeks, so many techies.. the world is full of them. Life seriously calls and I feel that, I hear it. Damn… so many days… Well better late than never…

Ever heard of this, “Haso, jeeyo, muskurao, kya pata kal ho na ho!!” it’s a dialogue, SRK says to Preity in Kal Ho Na Ho.

Let me dance, happy and merry.

Well.. I have my chunks of dreams and my ground to play in with all the thoughts I can ever think of.

Ok… now I want to move out, I will start preparing for it. Well I have very just begun.

I wanna live, really want to.

Vijay,

This guy is no more, and I still can’t believe it. Finally after more than a month of his demise I feel like writing about him, or shall I say for him.

His name is Vijay, Vijay Kalyanaraman to be precise. He is my friend. And he is no more. His accident was a shock and his death shut our mouths like stone.

He was the one, I liked, he had they say a charming smile. Lots of friends he had. He wasn’t anyone I can say saintly good. He was a normal person. He loved the ones he felt like loving and stayed away from the ones he didn’t like.

But I was close to him. Close to him when he lost his aunt, close to him when he had a row with “his” group of friends, close to him when he was writing, close to him when he was in an argument with his next best friend. He was always there to help everyone. We had been together for over a year. We shared our room for six months. He liked me, we ate together.

The other day, he met with an accident, left his liver damaged, bleeding internally. Less than 24hrs a news, he is no more.

Crashed his bike and got hurt, and that is it, it was all over in less than a day.

We had a row before he left the city we stayed in, that was about a year ago, he pinged me on chat a couple of months ago. I felt as if he wanted to say something to me, and I missed it.

We are now delimited with his death.

I his memory.

Fire on the cart…..

Last night, me and my room-mate Sandy (I like calling him that way), after having watched Wall-E felt bored and we weren’t in thoughts of watching another movie it was around 0130hrs of Sunday. That was just after the midnight :).

Yep, so we were on the street just talking and feeling the cool breeze at that time of the night. On our way, I saw a few flames and then

Me: Orey, something wrong! (Orey in Telugu = pal in English)

Sandy: Hey, nuthin… just a few flames someone might be there.

Me: No man, s##t its serious, let’s try putting them off.

Sandy: What’s that that’s burning?

Me: Don’t know, let’s see.

I went and saw something like glass bottles, felt like those were the soda (carbonated water) containers, I told that to him

Sandy: Let us move, they can blow anytime.

We ran from that place, but with guilt, we went further to see if someone was there, we saw a few late night carts, told them about the flames, we tried calling the police actually, but efforts in vain. So we tried ourselves, but since we thought that those were soda bottles couldn’t afford trying longer.

I looked for a few cars to get the fire extinguisher, a aaa… it was too late to find one.

Yep, so we to those people and they turned out to be so cold. Anyways, we couldn’t I couldn’t hold myself and asked Sandy to come along to see if we could do something, (the bottles didn’t blow till then). We ran, and I made my way first into those flames, took a mat from a nearby cart and tired to put the fire off, it was then that I realized that that was a cart of fruits and not soda.

We removed out jackets and started fighting the fire. 80% done, but the carton of grapes was still on fire. I went little more inside and yeah breathed in some smoke

The girl, she is beautiful.

I am very much out of my previous post situation now. I am out.

 

Hmmm…. It’s a Saturday and it is not supposed to be at the office day, but I was there, was called for some important work. Now that I was there, the work is done.

 

The door of my work place was open and I could see a girl, she was far enough from my place to see that she is beautiful, well she really is. She was in blue jeans, and a sky-blue colored kurti, the cotton one.

I’d been noticing her every now and then, well, not every now and then but just a few times since my arrival at the office, now that doesn’t mean I haven’t been working, I have been and the work is approved. I am happy for that.

 

Oh yes, the girl. Her hair was left open when I saw her in the morning, now in a cute pony tail from her hair; she looks all the more beautiful in that. From my place without any struggle I can see only that bit of her. And that almost fair complexion. Phew………

 

And the way, she was walking here and there being busy in work, it was something else :). Those little droplets of tension on her face, the way she adjusted her hair. I had to go and close the door to get back to my work, I did work.

 

And yes, I don’t think I am in love this time as well. It is just that she is beautiful.

 

I wish I find a girlfriend soon, how is it related to this post, I don’t know. I just wish.

Six truths and a lie.

Every moment goes by with a ton of grief inside my heart, I am all alone, perfectly lonely. Why do I say that? That is because, my siblings are busy at their offices, dad, I guess is busy. One of my friends I wanted to tell, is busy with her work, she is actually tensed about it. Mom just calls in three days later n says she’s sorry that she forgot my birthday and I still don’t know why my dad didn’t wish me this time. They all did last year.

I am as if running to reach no where. Voices I hear are now blurred, nothing is clear. I am lost often. It was ok until it wasn’t affecting my pro life, and it is as if now it has started to eat my self just like the leper’s bacteria bit by bit, breaking me down. Me who I thought was the strongest in

My eyes go red, tears almost. I can’t concentrate on work. I feel I am giving it up, or am I really. Not a day is passing by without this thought decomposing me into the basics of myself. A person who decided to stay away from people almost two years ago, is now confused about his state, someone who used to be happy working till late hours is now unable to concentrate on his work.

I can hardly stand the person I see in the mirror, unknowingly I start to think I was wrong, but the fact remains, I just did what I felt like, I never expected the consequences to be like this.

I am forced to think I am unimportant, I really don’t suffice my existence. I am all lost, feel defeated. As if someone wants me to fall on my knees and give up. I have grown scared of people, relationships and it has taken a real big deal coming out of it. I feel I am being chased by this nightmare which I am actually living; I am scared of thinking and even looking at someone.

All my guts, my confidence now seem to be no where. I feel like speaking, words don’t come out. Every moment I feel lonely I feel I am being sucked out of my happiness, peace. And I know, if I give up on myself, or give in into this it is not going to be any better after that. Things would just go shattered and I would go beyond recognition.

And at the end it remains, I know the solution, but to solve it, it doesn’t lie in my hands.

I aint givin’ up, I aint.

@102, 3 days.

Yeah, that really came in as a surprise to me when the doctor told me that the fever is not only high but a very high one. He had to change the prescription after he saw my temperature. He he… very nice haa,,,, I even had to get an injection for that and my hip still pains. Thanks for the 102 degrees Fahrenheit.

And the medicines the tablets I mean didn’t work or rather didn’t see any difference till Saturday evening. Damn it!! I wasn’t even able to stand aaah!!! so pathetic I felt for me. Damn Damn Damn….

It’s even been scary to touch the water, uff… wasn’t even washing my face for a few days, let alone having a bath.

It all started on Wednesday morning. I felt fever, but just couldn’t make out if I was sick or was it just a temperature to compensate the cold. I realized I was sick only after I couldn’t even turn around on the bed; I fell down and probably was unconscious for the next 30mins every time I tried to wake up. I gathered all my strength and finally started to the hospital, I was new to the neighborhood, so couldn’t walk down straight, had to hire an auto. By this time my back was uff.. almost broken bones and I could hardly speak.

That was an experience man!!…. to be remembered. I went through all sorts of emotional, mental, physical, and metaphysical states. I tried recovering alone, but could hardly make it. I finally had to go home to my parents some 350 or more kilometers away. Maaann…. Just imagine, travelling while sick and all six hours sitting, I just don’t know how I did it. I am brave enough I guess,,, naaaah I am brave.

Ok! Enough of all that sick thoughts and writings. I am fine now, but get tired easily. I have lost some weight again I guess….never mind. I’ll keep trying to gain some again. Ramadhan is just round the corner so got to keep it up.

And away from office for the five damn days, cant imagine. first time.

Stay well people, take care.

@ 23

I’ve been doing a lot of work, and I mean it.

I am tired of working or lack of sleep I don’t know, a confused actually. The work is now done, bang on time. I guess I kept up with the time thing.

And right now, all that put apart. I just want to write something, good, bad or ugly I don’t mind. I just want to write. I really have no idea what is going to come up in the next few paragraphs.

My mind is all blank or it is full of thoughts that nothing just goes in or goes out. Confusion here again!

My work is all done at the office and all that I am left is just ensure people use it properly. I can’t take being free, not many people to talk to, not many to answer to. That’s something in me.

My hand feels in pain and I feel like writing, and I feel like my speeds have gone down. My eyes just in pain, and I feel like working.

A week gone and I have been sleeping three to four hours on an average a day, they say it is not enough. I still am wide awake and don’t think I can have a compensating sleep as of now. I can still run and I can still work. Yes I think I can.

Sometimes I feel I am lying to myself or