Posts Tagged 'Lonely'

To Be or Not To Be

The days are growing terribly painful, my presence at work is not being of any satisfaction to me. It seems like I am losing all my best.

I stay back at work doing nothing, I stay up all night browsing, watching videos, movies what not. The workouts have almost stopped, life seems to have stood still now from a few days, I don’t know where and how am I gonna land up in a few weeks from now. It is a sick mindset what I have right now.

I feel stupid of myself. I am out of any known relationship, the only people I am in touch with is my parents. Friends seem to have gone long, far away. I don’t have any sort of companionship around. I don’t say I am lonely, but surely a company would help a million times.

I have built up tonnes to speak, but with whom is the question. I sit in the bathroom often talking to myself, sometimes even loud enough.

Why does life have to lead into so many complexities, as we grow, especially at 25.

I know just a few simple things like hanging on in times like these will take a long way, but why. Why do we eventually have to look at people who are irrelevantly selfish, sounding silly more than always. Why do we have to …..

I have spent a few days not working at all, and having hell lot of work at the office. The days just go and leave a trace of unhappiness. I see someone at the office, I admire her a lot, for some reason I cant just go straight and talk to her. That is something that grows really embarrassing, it makes me feel cowardly.

How long would I take long rides on bikes, just walk around in streets, eat out alone in diners and restaurants. How long would I have to charge my phone once in four days and pay nothing more than the rental and service bills for my phone. How long will I have to go to sleep being sick. How long will I have to say to myself that I love music and that is what brings me out of the blues. I like these things, I have loved to be like that and I have loved the way things have been so far. But I guess now things I have to change, but the change now is clueless, where do I start, what is going to end with. Where are my dreams?  What is the cost I have to pay to get them done?

I just don’t sit and dream, I work and I have worked my *** off for long enough. I wonder what it would like to attain bliss.

Sometimes I feel to jump off a cliff and fall to no end. I need peace of mind. I want to talk to someone. But I want to make clear that I am fine, it is just that things can be so much better.

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Will it matter?

It is the same thing again, something is wrong, I dont know if I should have gone to Seema’s wedding. If it was not for Seema I would have not gone. It felt happy to attend her wedding, but the fact that I had to come across so many faces that I wish I will never have to was something that needed some time. I didn’t like them, they have not changed, not even a bit. They are the same old mean people who still don’t have time for friends, friends for them mean people who exist in pictures and not anything else. All of them seemed happy I wonder if they really were.

I took a few pics of Seema, I would never see her again as a bride, that was the reason.

Is it since that that day that I am off the track or something I don’t know, but It has been a very long time since I have smiled properly and even looked out of my bedroom window.

I am not sad or unhappy, but a feeling of loneliness is taking me over apparently. I think I need some company. I now don’t understand how to start interacting with people. There is tremendous pressure a work and I feel bad about the way the work is going monotonous these days and I feel I am not giving my best at work.

I feel awfully stupid of myself and I hate myself when I am like this. Half asleep, middle of the night, struggling to sleep, confused, irritated, tired that is how I feel. I wish I could jump off a cliff and just keep falling.

 

Being a me.,

I was totally broken down, couldn’t believe what had happened in that dark unlit room, I was sulking for my headache and my loneliness, it was near to 2200hrs, was all alone. I felt this many times before, even right now! I want to speak to someone. I want to have a best friend, a real best friend.

So last night, I was lost, the edge of me, from where I would start being not me. A stage I would feel bad for a probably longer time than even before.

I sent this text to a colleague of mine,

“I want to forget every single person Continue reading ‘Being a me.,’

Six truths and a lie.

Every moment goes by with a ton of grief inside my heart, I am all alone, perfectly lonely. Why do I say that? That is because, my siblings are busy at their offices, dad, I guess is busy. One of my friends I wanted to tell, is busy with her work, she is actually tensed about it. Mom just calls in three days later n says she’s sorry that she forgot my birthday and I still don’t know why my dad didn’t wish me this time. They all did last year.

I am as if running to reach no where. Voices I hear are now blurred, nothing is clear. I am lost often. It was ok until it wasn’t affecting my pro life, and it is as if now it has started to eat my self just like the leper’s bacteria bit by bit, breaking me down. Me who I thought was the strongest in

My eyes go red, tears almost. I can’t concentrate on work. I feel I am giving it up, or am I really. Not a day is passing by without this thought decomposing me into the basics of myself. A person who decided to stay away from people almost two years ago, is now confused about his state, someone who used to be happy working till late hours is now unable to concentrate on his work.

I can hardly stand the person I see in the mirror, unknowingly I start to think I was wrong, but the fact remains, I just did what I felt like, I never expected the consequences to be like this.

I am forced to think I am unimportant, I really don’t suffice my existence. I am all lost, feel defeated. As if someone wants me to fall on my knees and give up. I have grown scared of people, relationships and it has taken a real big deal coming out of it. I feel I am being chased by this nightmare which I am actually living; I am scared of thinking and even looking at someone.

All my guts, my confidence now seem to be no where. I feel like speaking, words don’t come out. Every moment I feel lonely I feel I am being sucked out of my happiness, peace. And I know, if I give up on myself, or give in into this it is not going to be any better after that. Things would just go shattered and I would go beyond recognition.

And at the end it remains, I know the solution, but to solve it, it doesn’t lie in my hands.


I aint givin’ up, I aint.


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