Posts Tagged 'mind'

The then and the now

Things just seem strange these days, I wonder what is wrong. I am half present at times and the present comes like a surprise to me often. I have began to think if I am going delusional. Familiar faces, and friends now seem strange, this feeling of not being able to connect to someone makes it worse.

People who once were friends now seem far apart, there was a time when most secretive things were shared, confided and discussed and now, there is nothing but this maze of hideous separations. All that it is, is just that it is becoming increasingly difficult to trust people around, or rather trust the thoughts of people around. 

Something or the other happens with everyone, but does it mean everyone around must face their wrath for some small/big unfairness done to them? 

It is true, when it comes to keeping oneself happy, one can go to any extent to do so, sooner or later. I guess this is just a test as to how we hold before we are forced down to our knees.

Someone once talked about everything and every little thing that he wanted to be hidden from the world, the next thing I know is, he doesn’t care for my being around. I am socially difficult too, but yes, before once turns a cold shoulder, one better remind oneself of what they have had in common.

From being best friends to strangers, from midnight birthday wishes to being forgetful. All I realize is the best of my friends have been they with whom I have just been friends and our friendship was limited to dinners and a few walks and not the ones that I spent late nights with,n or walked having ice creams, nor the ones even where I was totally happy but those where my moments were measured in terms of being there and not only being present, where my anger/desperation was understood and not judged. All it could just be that I was a difficult person to befriend with and only a few could hold on to me. And rather, expectations are the cause for such disappointments.

But yes, things do change their priority but does that mean we forget other things to the core. Things might want to change us, but how far is it justifiable for us to let them. We are eventually a part of the bigger picture, everything we do or we don’t do will cause something to happen or not happen. The Butterfly Effect what they say.

Of course, we are humans, susceptibility is only our second nature, we get easily influence by things. I do not hold myself separate from this, we all do a lot of things merely on the basis of the situation rather than foreseeing the consequences of it.


A few little things…

I am in a state of mind, where in I would accept anything, well I can say almost.
Mother’s health, my work, dad’s office, siblings and their families. Well it seems for a while like I have been through a high of emotions, what ever. Fear, anger, love, loneliness, thoughtfulness, disturbed, alone, gratitude, desperation and what not.

And sometimes you feel it would be so nice if all that you have could just be bartered for this one thing that you need right now, and all that you can do is just pray.
Surprising it is, we all are born as humans, the faith that we have sometimes just doesn’t seem strong enough.
Sometimes when you bend down and ask for forgiveness.
Sometimes when you cant accept things, at work or at home or in your mind.
And sometimes when you feel mind effed.
Sometimes when the emotion becomes so high that you know you cant speak that to someone and all u can do is just crave.

When the fears have gone so deep that you dont know what could be the last moment you spend with someone you love the most. And sometimes you start to think Continue reading ‘A few little things…’

;) :) :'( :D :( :P

I want to write, I want to write that I am taking this weekend off, unplanned.

I want to write that I am going home because I am tired of the two weeks full of work, of sleeplessness, of the tiredness, of the feeling that I cannot call to anyone after a 14 hour day even to say that I am tired, the pain in my elbow is not letting me type.

I am going because I am tired of the pressurizing and being rude, asking for the deliverable.

I am tired of having a cold bath everyday morning, I am tired of so many things running in my mind, from my Anti Virus to my acidity.

Because I have been missing my workouts, my early morning Prayers because of the work.

I am tired of understanding the Chan… and Pra… are now married and cant take out time for me, I can’t keep in touch with them as I always used to. I am tired of understanding and accepting that I am alone, not that I am lonely. But yes, I am tired of having my supper alone, going out to restaurants alone.

Because she and him have been coming to my mind, now and them, for no reason! (this doesn’t matter).

I am tired because I can’t say any of the things that are running in my mind to my mother, though we speak everyday.

Do I make any sense as I write this?

Just a few words, I ain’t givin’ up.


Why is it that I am at total peace, like I dont have a brain no longer, like someone has sucked out the grey matter.
Why is it that I am convinced everytime that even the biggest scar you carry on your heart sooner or later decorates it.
Why is it that I could forgive and forget the things that lead to so much of a disturbed soul I carried for so long.
Why is it that I am convinced that what has to happen will happen and all I have to do is only ask and work.
Why has it become a conviction that I dont wanna be changing.
Why is that I think of death a lot more frequently than I previously used.
Why is it tht my perspective of death has changed, so has the perspecive of life.
Why is it I now realise I have the guts to say, “Yes, I did it”, though I did it always.
Why is it that there seems to be honor in silences.
Why is it that I have patience now to wait and see what an incident could mean.
Why is it that there is hardly any “why”?
Why is it that I now know, Life is Beautiful.

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December 2018
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