Posts Tagged 'Thoughts'

Sometimes and always

Everyday that I wake up now has surprises, complications and challenges. Not a day goes by content. I have tried changing everything, I mean my behavior, my time splits, my priorities. I feel like I have not been made to live like peacefully. The work sometimes becomes too much, it becomes very difficult to maintain a balance, but perhaps this is an indication that I need a big change very soon. With the kid, the responsibilities have gone up.

I have never been a satisfied person as such, but things here are just going to another level, everyday that I wake up, I just want to go back to bed again, I look at my colleagues and I feel like I work a lot more than what these people do. I need to earn more money, now the question is whether staying in this job or getting a new one.

What I don’t understand is why is life supposed to be so hard? Why is it that I have always had to run towards things, is it my nature or I attract things like that? Why is is that I end up with utter dissatisfaction with everything I get involved with? Why is it that nothing seems to end properly? Why is it that I cannot take a proper break from things around? Why is it that I really love people and I don’t really love them. Why is it that I end with a thumping heart every morning, why is it that I want to lead a better life when I have everything.

Why is it that I constantly want to change the surroundings I live in? Why is it that I am dissatisfied with any amount of love, work and rest. I get paranoid when I have to decide what I need to do? Why is it that I end up losing everything I loved.

I end up talking to myself of all these things over and over and over again and find no conclusions what so ever, I want to live an extra large life and I find no way towards it.

Now a days, with this new assignment, everything is just getting shattered. I don’t understand if this is the new work or the personal situation I am in right now.

The then and the now

Things just seem strange these days, I wonder what is wrong. I am half present at times and the present comes like a surprise to me often. I have began to think if I am going delusional. Familiar faces, and friends now seem strange, this feeling of not being able to connect to someone makes it worse.

People who once were friends now seem far apart, there was a time when most secretive things were shared, confided and discussed and now, there is nothing but this maze of hideous separations. All that it is, is just that it is becoming increasingly difficult to trust people around, or rather trust the thoughts of people around. 

Something or the other happens with everyone, but does it mean everyone around must face their wrath for some small/big unfairness done to them? 

It is true, when it comes to keeping oneself happy, one can go to any extent to do so, sooner or later. I guess this is just a test as to how we hold before we are forced down to our knees.

Someone once talked about everything and every little thing that he wanted to be hidden from the world, the next thing I know is, he doesn’t care for my being around. I am socially difficult too, but yes, before once turns a cold shoulder, one better remind oneself of what they have had in common.

From being best friends to strangers, from midnight birthday wishes to being forgetful. All I realize is the best of my friends have been they with whom I have just been friends and our friendship was limited to dinners and a few walks and not the ones that I spent late nights with,n or walked having ice creams, nor the ones even where I was totally happy but those where my moments were measured in terms of being there and not only being present, where my anger/desperation was understood and not judged. All it could just be that I was a difficult person to befriend with and only a few could hold on to me. And rather, expectations are the cause for such disappointments.

But yes, things do change their priority but does that mean we forget other things to the core. Things might want to change us, but how far is it justifiable for us to let them. We are eventually a part of the bigger picture, everything we do or we don’t do will cause something to happen or not happen. The Butterfly Effect what they say.

Of course, we are humans, susceptibility is only our second nature, we get easily influence by things. I do not hold myself separate from this, we all do a lot of things merely on the basis of the situation rather than foreseeing the consequences of it.

Truth be told.

What is it, that feels so free these days, like nothing ever happened, no bounds, nothing penetrating inside the brain to suck out the life fluids, like something that stopped me from stepping on my feet and moving out. It feels unleashed, unhooked and free. Solitude I have missed for a little long living among people, the like, the unlike, the wise, the unwise, the straight, the crooked, the doubting, the believing.

It feels there is nothing beyond the obvious bonds, I feel free. Normalcy is what I call it and they simply know it as insanity. Back to self sufficiency or an increased level of self respect?

The beasts seem to have calmed down, thoughts seem to have aligned, except this feels like a mind at rest and the one getting ready for a bigger battle ahead.

Stumbling thoughts, gone out of stream at times when it comes to writing. Peace is in being alone sometimes, for me most of the times it is being alone, just me. The mask of social behavior is now gone, I am now all to myself, just the way it has always been. To myself and to no one else, for some reason it feels better this way, has always felt. But yes, much of life is only beyond our comfort zones; and that perimeter just extends to oneself and no one else.

The feeling of being in the moment, be it making tea with my mother or running my fingers through my wife’s hair, or just lifting up my nephews or just handing my father his glass of cold drink. The heat, the softness, the giggles and the wetness of condensed air, those are the little things I have always loved and will always love.

Living by reasons, except for abstractions where needed and only if needed. People may not be thinking like me, they never will, and I let those souls get what they expect, what I think they expect.

Truth be told, yes it has to be; the straighter the better.

To Be or Not To Be

The days are growing terribly painful, my presence at work is not being of any satisfaction to me. It seems like I am losing all my best.

I stay back at work doing nothing, I stay up all night browsing, watching videos, movies what not. The workouts have almost stopped, life seems to have stood still now from a few days, I don’t know where and how am I gonna land up in a few weeks from now. It is a sick mindset what I have right now.

I feel stupid of myself. I am out of any known relationship, the only people I am in touch with is my parents. Friends seem to have gone long, far away. I don’t have any sort of companionship around. I don’t say I am lonely, but surely a company would help a million times.

I have built up tonnes to speak, but with whom is the question. I sit in the bathroom often talking to myself, sometimes even loud enough.

Why does life have to lead into so many complexities, as we grow, especially at 25.

I know just a few simple things like hanging on in times like these will take a long way, but why. Why do we eventually have to look at people who are irrelevantly selfish, sounding silly more than always. Why do we have to …..

I have spent a few days not working at all, and having hell lot of work at the office. The days just go and leave a trace of unhappiness. I see someone at the office, I admire her a lot, for some reason I cant just go straight and talk to her. That is something that grows really embarrassing, it makes me feel cowardly.

How long would I take long rides on bikes, just walk around in streets, eat out alone in diners and restaurants. How long would I have to charge my phone once in four days and pay nothing more than the rental and service bills for my phone. How long will I have to go to sleep being sick. How long will I have to say to myself that I love music and that is what brings me out of the blues. I like these things, I have loved to be like that and I have loved the way things have been so far. But I guess now things I have to change, but the change now is clueless, where do I start, what is going to end with. Where are my dreams?  What is the cost I have to pay to get them done?

I just don’t sit and dream, I work and I have worked my *** off for long enough. I wonder what it would like to attain bliss.

Sometimes I feel to jump off a cliff and fall to no end. I need peace of mind. I want to talk to someone. But I want to make clear that I am fine, it is just that things can be so much better.

Life @ 25

What happens around sometimes confuses me, I don’t even know where to begin with, where did the boredom start from, from staying in hostels, eating out for the past 4 and odd years, years of working with no such thing called as proper satisfaction or with something like trying to make friends and failing at it, or shall I say many futile attempts to search where does happiness lie at all, in talking to someone, in sharing thoughts, in making someone else happy. Where?

Sometimes I feel life aint good, it is like living the same day over and over and over again. Things start to make me feel as if i have become a PIA to myself, I aint. I see the same thing in so many people around, do they fake being happy and content or is it just that they go with the flow, I am not a man of that type I like to live by my own rules.

Things start to feel boring so soon, no matter what we do. Or is it being single even at 25 that makes the mind go insane, then I think, how much does having someone next to you solve an issue like this. Is it practical at all. Things have started to appear like a sine wave all ups and downs of emotions, episodes of stroke like, where in the mind thinks and does its best at times and then freezes like the time is still and anything it does would be of no significance at all.

Was it the episode of priya and nitin that has turned my mind insane or is it my wish to live and love as I wanted to created such a havoc.

It is not about being depressed or discontent or dissatisfied here. For me its just a phase I am going through, a quarter life crisis might be. But this aint good, too much of boredom.

I have tons to speak, things I cant just speak with everyone, its just one right person that helps and I have waited long enough, and I still am. Why did this line come in, I don’t know.

This is a little complicated.

Knock Knock!

I don’t understand what is happening with me, seriously what the **** am I doing with my life? Where is it going?

:)

Wake up everyday mornin’ and I have a place to go and work, the work also pays you descent enough. People know me there and also like me. I don’t see anything bad on their faces when someone talks to me or asks me something. I am good at a few things and can solve problems, do the work assigned good enough.

Enough work to put me to sleep easily at night. A good place to stay, the place is not mine though, is rented.

I’ve been far from my parents, mentally and geographically and I’ve been close to them both ways. I have seen my mother have a stroke and then recover from it. I have seen them happy, troubled, sad, concerned, and proud. My siblings, the same with them. I love my two cute little nephews.

I have known people who used to be my friends yet be enough of “just there”, and people of the kind that let me think before I speak, people of the kind.  I have known people who could just call you a best friend and never care to see if you are alive from the next day. I have seen tall promises break.

I have done things that could have hurt people; I have been bad at times. And I have apologized every single time for a number of times for every little such feeling.

I have been lazy to postpone things for months and I have been careful to finish things right in the middle of the night.

I have Jaffar, Prem, Pra…, Cha… with whom I can just speak or chat without having any thought in the back of my head, straight what comes to my mind.

I don’t have to ask something, I can do what I want. I can say I am free, I don’t feel bound.

Sometimes there are moments when I really want to speak a lot but I run out of people, but I guess that is how the value of a company is realized and I really like those moments as of now. No complaints. And what else, lots of movies to watch, music to listen, blogs to read.

Life is good.

🙂

At times I feel saturated though, but it’s ok, that is something that keeps things of interest coming in, Changes are the only things that are constant, aren’t they?


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