Posts Tagged 'tired'

Will it matter?

It is the same thing again, something is wrong, I dont know if I should have gone to Seema’s wedding. If it was not for Seema I would have not gone. It felt happy to attend her wedding, but the fact that I had to come across so many faces that I wish I will never have to was something that needed some time. I didn’t like them, they have not changed, not even a bit. They are the same old mean people who still don’t have time for friends, friends for them mean people who exist in pictures and not anything else. All of them seemed happy I wonder if they really were.

I took a few pics of Seema, I would never see her again as a bride, that was the reason.

Is it since that that day that I am off the track or something I don’t know, but It has been a very long time since I have smiled properly and even looked out of my bedroom window.

I am not sad or unhappy, but a feeling of loneliness is taking me over apparently. I think I need some company. I now don’t understand how to start interacting with people. There is tremendous pressure a work and I feel bad about the way the work is going monotonous these days and I feel I am not giving my best at work.

I feel awfully stupid of myself and I hate myself when I am like this. Half asleep, middle of the night, struggling to sleep, confused, irritated, tired that is how I feel. I wish I could jump off a cliff and just keep falling.



Here, there. Then and now

I used to write, I loved to. I still do.

A couple of years ago, I used to write whenever I felt like, no matter what it was. These days I am just getting busy, busy and busier. Lots of work, lots of people to manage. The funniest part comes when I know I am capable of doing a thing, but the only reason my task is considered a failure is because “my team” couldn’t deliver.

Now everyday I think, what is happening?

I started writing this blog somewhere around 11 am and now its 1 am, I have been working for the 15th hour now, looking into two projects, and making sure 7 people with me have sufficient work for the day.

Life becomes full of surprises as we grow and it sometimes becomes harder to accept those changes, really hard. Parents start to have health issues, you start feeling the need to have someone around you. There are times when you don’t go home any longer to take a break, but just to make sure your folks back home are doing good.

Sometimes I look at the way life has turned out and feels like life is a bitch, but I cant lose hope because of something is not feeling to be right.

Things don’t remain the same, people keep changing. Sometimes thoughts just keep rushing into your mind. It very often happens with me that I start thinking aloud these days. Questions about future, life, parents keep coming into head time and again, and there is no way that we can let go of such thoughts. I mean they are a fact and they have to be accepted. Someone you love is gonna pass away eventually, nothing is eternal. Neither our pain or our gains, the loss or the success we earn.

Sometimes I feel I get saturated with things, so saturated that something that would be the best to excite me now fails and is now just a piece in the dust bin of thoughts.

Thoughts that seemingly don’t matter keep paying a visit to my already cluttered head.

The very fact that I have been writing this piece of blog since a long time shows how things are. There were times when I could write a blog or perhaps more than one a day. Might be its just that I need a good job, reduce the travel and consider things only to a certain extent and let them not bother me. I even forget to live in the moment sometimes and start feeling my presence only after I have spoken something.

Not that I am complaining, but it is just that I feel I deserve better, a lot better.

I never knew something so much would be expected out of me, I have to outgrow my age, behave more mature than I am. This is how life is going on.

No complaints, but a lack of satisfaction.

Where to?

Lazing around, watching movies, laptop has not been turned off for more than 48 hours now, connected to the internet, sleepless, got some paper work and homework to do.

I really dont understand how this 3 day weekend went away and where to. I’ve been eating out a lot, not being able to wakeup in the mornin, missing my prayers, where to is it that I am heading. Is it a path to self destruction, is it a path to the satan’s home. Where am I headed to?

;) :) :'( :D :( :P

I want to write, I want to write that I am taking this weekend off, unplanned.

I want to write that I am going home because I am tired of the two weeks full of work, of sleeplessness, of the tiredness, of the feeling that I cannot call to anyone after a 14 hour day even to say that I am tired, the pain in my elbow is not letting me type.

I am going because I am tired of the pressurizing and being rude, asking for the deliverable.

I am tired of having a cold bath everyday morning, I am tired of so many things running in my mind, from my Anti Virus to my acidity.

Because I have been missing my workouts, my early morning Prayers because of the work.

I am tired of understanding the Chan… and Pra… are now married and cant take out time for me, I can’t keep in touch with them as I always used to. I am tired of understanding and accepting that I am alone, not that I am lonely. But yes, I am tired of having my supper alone, going out to restaurants alone.

Because she and him have been coming to my mind, now and them, for no reason! (this doesn’t matter).

I am tired because I can’t say any of the things that are running in my mind to my mother, though we speak everyday.

Do I make any sense as I write this?

Just a few words, I ain’t givin’ up.

Wash me in death

Wash me in death then get me to the salvations

I am but pertained to that single thought

I am often but hugged as a thoughtless

I need no answer to my questions

Just clear let my questions be

For I now have stopped thinking

I now fall close to death,

Feed me some food, feed my hunger

Come to me, help me dream

I am but unclear just as this poem

Are these lines that mean or just a flow of feelings

For I have stopped thinking.

Cut my veins, let the blood flow

Let flow with it my anger and disgust

Let flow with it my thoughts

For I have stopped thinking

Open the windows shed some light on my soul

Let the winds blow let my sweat dry away

Wash me in death, get me to salvations.

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January 2019
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