missing,,,

Missing my baby girl and one of my good friends, the day is turning hard to pass. Moments are just getting heavier with the day. I wish I could do something. One cant speak and the other is just …

Sometimes and always

Everyday that I wake up now has surprises, complications and challenges. Not a day goes by content. I have tried changing everything, I mean my behavior, my time splits, my priorities. I feel like I have not been made to live like peacefully. The work sometimes becomes too much, it becomes very difficult to maintain a balance, but perhaps this is an indication that I need a big change very soon. With the kid, the responsibilities have gone up.

I have never been a satisfied person as such, but things here are just going to another level, everyday that I wake up, I just want to go back to bed again, I look at my colleagues and I feel like I work a lot more than what these people do. I need to earn more money, now the question is whether staying in this job or getting a new one.

What I don’t understand is why is life supposed to be so hard? Why is it that I have always had to run towards things, is it my nature or I attract things like that? Why is is that I end up with utter dissatisfaction with everything I get involved with? Why is it that nothing seems to end properly? Why is it that I cannot take a proper break from things around? Why is it that I really love people and I don’t really love them. Why is it that I end with a thumping heart every morning, why is it that I want to lead a better life when I have everything.

Why is it that I constantly want to change the surroundings I live in? Why is it that I am dissatisfied with any amount of love, work and rest. I get paranoid when I have to decide what I need to do? Why is it that I end up losing everything I loved.

I end up talking to myself of all these things over and over and over again and find no conclusions what so ever, I want to live an extra large life and I find no way towards it.

Now a days, with this new assignment, everything is just getting shattered. I don’t understand if this is the new work or the personal situation I am in right now.

Shallow

Honestly, this is the lowest in person I have felt in a really long time. Things get complicated at times. I wonder, if I should feel bad or feel good about myself. 

There are these realities and the expectations and the actualities, and then the truth that everything looks to be but is not. Tough phase of life at work, never able to understand who is a confidant here and who is not. This part of the world seems so mean, meaner than the rest of the world; of course in the end it is our purpose that matters. Everyone is mean in one way or the other.

It is just that life gets complicated sometimes and simplifying it is yet another complexity. 

Sometimes I feel, even in every day life, there is so much ground to cover; I mean is it that I think too much or take life a little too seriously. Of course it is to take seriously, there is an entire family looking up to you, and to make a mention at work, look and what I do and look at how they see it.

But if these people around are expecting so much, then I must have done something right for sure. But why does it feel like a ton, to feel ok and let things be. Is it that there is so much I want to do in life and I am here, is it because of that I could never look up to someone and speak this out. Is is because of what I expect from life and it comes in front of me like this. But the bigger the dream, the bigger the price.

All I have realized is, nothing good comes easy; and if something isn’t supposed to stay, it wont.

Well, all I ask from Allah SWT is that to keep them thinking of me as highly as they are thinking right now and to cover all my faults and elevate me in His sight and theirs; grant me with the fortune to fulfill everyone’s and my expectations about me and my life, Aameen.

chaos internal

Its been a terrible few months when I talk to myself and see what is going on, sometimes it becomes so hard to move on over someone or something. And, you have moved on, yet feel held at times; and a moment later you snap back into reality. Some things just change us once and for all. 

Life at times poses something so stupid in front of us at times.

The rest of the life, remains as is; it is when I look around and begin to see, seeing as in really seeing, not just the view.

Phases of test; Alhamdulillah; 

The then and the now

Things just seem strange these days, I wonder what is wrong. I am half present at times and the present comes like a surprise to me often. I have began to think if I am going delusional. Familiar faces, and friends now seem strange, this feeling of not being able to connect to someone makes it worse.

People who once were friends now seem far apart, there was a time when most secretive things were shared, confided and discussed and now, there is nothing but this maze of hideous separations. All that it is, is just that it is becoming increasingly difficult to trust people around, or rather trust the thoughts of people around. 

Something or the other happens with everyone, but does it mean everyone around must face their wrath for some small/big unfairness done to them? 

It is true, when it comes to keeping oneself happy, one can go to any extent to do so, sooner or later. I guess this is just a test as to how we hold before we are forced down to our knees.

Someone once talked about everything and every little thing that he wanted to be hidden from the world, the next thing I know is, he doesn’t care for my being around. I am socially difficult too, but yes, before once turns a cold shoulder, one better remind oneself of what they have had in common.

From being best friends to strangers, from midnight birthday wishes to being forgetful. All I realize is the best of my friends have been they with whom I have just been friends and our friendship was limited to dinners and a few walks and not the ones that I spent late nights with,n or walked having ice creams, nor the ones even where I was totally happy but those where my moments were measured in terms of being there and not only being present, where my anger/desperation was understood and not judged. All it could just be that I was a difficult person to befriend with and only a few could hold on to me. And rather, expectations are the cause for such disappointments.

But yes, things do change their priority but does that mean we forget other things to the core. Things might want to change us, but how far is it justifiable for us to let them. We are eventually a part of the bigger picture, everything we do or we don’t do will cause something to happen or not happen. The Butterfly Effect what they say.

Of course, we are humans, susceptibility is only our second nature, we get easily influence by things. I do not hold myself separate from this, we all do a lot of things merely on the basis of the situation rather than foreseeing the consequences of it.

Love you too

So, there is somebody who has been searching for “love you tauseef” on Google that apparently leads to my blog. Now I am pretty sure that this somebody loves some Tauseef, (this cannot be me, I am not that loveable that people would Google for me 😀 ).

Whoever it is, I wish that this somebody finds their tauseef.

Or is it that they land on this page and go away without reading anything from here? What ever it is, love you too for such a phrase to be searching with.

May you find the one you long for so much. But you know, it is all in saying it out. All I have always believed is, if you love someone, say it. It saves so much trouble.

All the best.

Take care.

Truth be told.

What is it, that feels so free these days, like nothing ever happened, no bounds, nothing penetrating inside the brain to suck out the life fluids, like something that stopped me from stepping on my feet and moving out. It feels unleashed, unhooked and free. Solitude I have missed for a little long living among people, the like, the unlike, the wise, the unwise, the straight, the crooked, the doubting, the believing.

It feels there is nothing beyond the obvious bonds, I feel free. Normalcy is what I call it and they simply know it as insanity. Back to self sufficiency or an increased level of self respect?

The beasts seem to have calmed down, thoughts seem to have aligned, except this feels like a mind at rest and the one getting ready for a bigger battle ahead.

Stumbling thoughts, gone out of stream at times when it comes to writing. Peace is in being alone sometimes, for me most of the times it is being alone, just me. The mask of social behavior is now gone, I am now all to myself, just the way it has always been. To myself and to no one else, for some reason it feels better this way, has always felt. But yes, much of life is only beyond our comfort zones; and that perimeter just extends to oneself and no one else.

The feeling of being in the moment, be it making tea with my mother or running my fingers through my wife’s hair, or just lifting up my nephews or just handing my father his glass of cold drink. The heat, the softness, the giggles and the wetness of condensed air, those are the little things I have always loved and will always love.

Living by reasons, except for abstractions where needed and only if needed. People may not be thinking like me, they never will, and I let those souls get what they expect, what I think they expect.

Truth be told, yes it has to be; the straighter the better.

And then….

So, its weird how things are at one time and then they are gone all of a sudden. How things change and how we humans react and respond to them. Funny how life tends to bring to us our most important lessons, but the question is do we learn from them? Or just let things be and fall prey to the circumstances. How complicated could this be to understand what is right in front of us as clear and it could be and yet we fail to understand its true meanings. Holding on to hope, does pay well. In a way or the other. Prayers are eventually answered, what you want will be granted in the way you want or a way the Almighty decreed it to be.

The wisdom sometimes lies in waiting for things to happen, sometimes they take time and sometimes they are just clear and happen in a jiffy. Holding on to a few things could just seem right, but there are times when one would realise, there is a lot at stake whilst holding on to these things.

People and mentalities change or do they evolve? Both of them I guess.

What if we all had the same sense of thought, appreciate the same thing, deny the same thing, live the same way. How would that be? Is it not what we want some how? Things to be the way we wanted them all to be. Have you ever felt that peace at heart when something has turned out the way the way you never expected it to be, the feeling of “it cannot go any worse than this, Thank God!”.

That thing we call hope, you know in the deepest of your hearts that a thing won’t work out yet you still wish with a small peace of your heart that it does somehow, and either ways you are prepared for what is to come. Not many could have gone through that phase I suppose.

Something happened yesterday and today, things I did see coming but yet hoped they wouldn’t, things were big for me. Of course it is matter of one’s perspective we could regard even the smallest thing with the highest if importances or otherwise. And an irony it stands to be how I thought about us being and behaving ourselves. At one moment apparently, finally we all lose it, leave things to change us, but patience in such cases to stand and withstand what is being put in front of us.

I am pretty sure I am falling sick, fever has been taking me over the past couple of days, I better stop writing this and continue at some point of time else.

Me, Shanthi and the catch up

So, it so happens, Seema gets in touch with Shanti(I know the spelling mistake and I love to make it) and asks her if it is ok if Tauseef talks to you, she speaks and there I go, I go ahead and talk to her. We catch up and talk and she said, she is happy to talk again finally, like after four years, so am I dear. Thanks Seema

Taus, his head and its components

Sometimes I just want to be alone, it has been a struggle in itself too. I feel I am not able to connect to anyone. I have a terrible difficulty in saying something I feel bad about. Also I feel sometimes I don’t want to be left alone and I don’t want to say this. I wish someone would just understand that and sit by my side and just say “Its going to be okay”.  Someone who would just be stubborn and don’t let me be alone. Do friends do that? Is it something more that I expect from someone I consider to be a friend?

I try to sleep and I can’t. It is a complex state to be in, staring at the ceiling until I fall asleep. Sometimes, the day goes tough, very tough. These days I don’t even understand what to write.

How long does it take for someone to be with me and understand what I want them to say to me when I am upset. Such  a blank mind I have been having lately. I have so many times so wanted to be alone, but had always thought of never leaving people around. I have people around, but they don’t seem to understand, or even if they do, they don’t seem to do anything about it.

Damn! its a terrible place to be in. Not really sure how many of my friends read my blog and understand what I am trying to say. Often I feel people are lost in their world to get back and think about me. Is it that I love them too much or they love me too little. I think sometimes it is not just being loved or loving someone, it is being there and understanding and being understood.

Tired of being alone, and tired of being with a friend and still feeling the same, tired of saying what I want to said and yet not having got to hear it, tired of people just wanting me to get back to being normal and not being talked about it. How long does it take for me to be confident that someone does love me the way I love them. Its a complex feeling to express.

How many times is it not that I have…. and how many times it is that I have not….

I am going to be patient if it is gonna take more time, but I just want my patience to be rewarded. Is it too much to ask?

It is not a complaint, it is not a rant, it is just what I can’t say, I write. It feels like …

“apologise for what??????????????????”

When you have a comment on something posted from somewhere in one of  your blues then sometime over a year ago or even longer than that, it gives a strange realization, the comment was “apologise for what??????????????????” , which I believe now makes a good title for this post.

The name from the email of the person who posted this comment seemed familiar. I just woke up from my sleep, checked my phone for emails, there this comment was. I didn’t like the comment at first. I had to get ready for the day. I kept it on hold, only to give a proper response.

As I started for the day, It made it realize, I had full authority over this comment now, I could approve, delete, reject, spam, trash this. It was MY decision to make, my call totally what so ever. The second thing is it was funny, I don’t even remember what had made me put up this post then, all I remember is I felt terrible when I had put this up, one of my hardest times I can say.

Thanks to the fact that I had put it a name in there, the face of which is nowhere close to my memory now.

This happens, we all feel bad, the funny thing is everything from the present is going to be a part of the past, once it is a part of the past I just tend to let it go, move on. It is past after all.

The name on the comment “whocares”, right, exactly!, who cares after all. It is one life for heaven’s sake. I have realized there is more to life, than just to sit and brood around.

There are people who actually need you, there are people for whom you are just an option, there are people who could make false claims about wanting you. Then there are the ones, who just go away with no notice and come back, take you for granted. There are the ones who just keep walking their road no matter what or how they make you feel. There are those few to whom you can just go, no matter what or when.

All you could do is choose wisely, but in case you couldn’t you would learn a lot.

The so called last one.

I am not single anymore, engaged, still a bachelor though. September 15, I will be done with being 26 by tonight, 16th early morning to be precise.
So what is going to be different I don’t know. So Ramadhan, 26th birthday, have been last as a bachelor InshaAllah,so shall be Bakrid InshaAllah.
Happy I can say I am with being engaged,we don’t speak though, my fiancee n I. We’ve wanted to keep it that way till the wedding.
So what else is new people (as though there is an audience. A ton and more thanks to the Almighty for helping me be and become what I am.
🙂

To Be or Not To Be

The days are growing terribly painful, my presence at work is not being of any satisfaction to me. It seems like I am losing all my best.

I stay back at work doing nothing, I stay up all night browsing, watching videos, movies what not. The workouts have almost stopped, life seems to have stood still now from a few days, I don’t know where and how am I gonna land up in a few weeks from now. It is a sick mindset what I have right now.

I feel stupid of myself. I am out of any known relationship, the only people I am in touch with is my parents. Friends seem to have gone long, far away. I don’t have any sort of companionship around. I don’t say I am lonely, but surely a company would help a million times.

I have built up tonnes to speak, but with whom is the question. I sit in the bathroom often talking to myself, sometimes even loud enough.

Why does life have to lead into so many complexities, as we grow, especially at 25.

I know just a few simple things like hanging on in times like these will take a long way, but why. Why do we eventually have to look at people who are irrelevantly selfish, sounding silly more than always. Why do we have to …..

I have spent a few days not working at all, and having hell lot of work at the office. The days just go and leave a trace of unhappiness. I see someone at the office, I admire her a lot, for some reason I cant just go straight and talk to her. That is something that grows really embarrassing, it makes me feel cowardly.

How long would I take long rides on bikes, just walk around in streets, eat out alone in diners and restaurants. How long would I have to charge my phone once in four days and pay nothing more than the rental and service bills for my phone. How long will I have to go to sleep being sick. How long will I have to say to myself that I love music and that is what brings me out of the blues. I like these things, I have loved to be like that and I have loved the way things have been so far. But I guess now things I have to change, but the change now is clueless, where do I start, what is going to end with. Where are my dreams?  What is the cost I have to pay to get them done?

I just don’t sit and dream, I work and I have worked my *** off for long enough. I wonder what it would like to attain bliss.

Sometimes I feel to jump off a cliff and fall to no end. I need peace of mind. I want to talk to someone. But I want to make clear that I am fine, it is just that things can be so much better.

Will it matter?

It is the same thing again, something is wrong, I dont know if I should have gone to Seema’s wedding. If it was not for Seema I would have not gone. It felt happy to attend her wedding, but the fact that I had to come across so many faces that I wish I will never have to was something that needed some time. I didn’t like them, they have not changed, not even a bit. They are the same old mean people who still don’t have time for friends, friends for them mean people who exist in pictures and not anything else. All of them seemed happy I wonder if they really were.

I took a few pics of Seema, I would never see her again as a bride, that was the reason.

Is it since that that day that I am off the track or something I don’t know, but It has been a very long time since I have smiled properly and even looked out of my bedroom window.

I am not sad or unhappy, but a feeling of loneliness is taking me over apparently. I think I need some company. I now don’t understand how to start interacting with people. There is tremendous pressure a work and I feel bad about the way the work is going monotonous these days and I feel I am not giving my best at work.

I feel awfully stupid of myself and I hate myself when I am like this. Half asleep, middle of the night, struggling to sleep, confused, irritated, tired that is how I feel. I wish I could jump off a cliff and just keep falling.

 

Life @ 25

What happens around sometimes confuses me, I don’t even know where to begin with, where did the boredom start from, from staying in hostels, eating out for the past 4 and odd years, years of working with no such thing called as proper satisfaction or with something like trying to make friends and failing at it, or shall I say many futile attempts to search where does happiness lie at all, in talking to someone, in sharing thoughts, in making someone else happy. Where?

Sometimes I feel life aint good, it is like living the same day over and over and over again. Things start to make me feel as if i have become a PIA to myself, I aint. I see the same thing in so many people around, do they fake being happy and content or is it just that they go with the flow, I am not a man of that type I like to live by my own rules.

Things start to feel boring so soon, no matter what we do. Or is it being single even at 25 that makes the mind go insane, then I think, how much does having someone next to you solve an issue like this. Is it practical at all. Things have started to appear like a sine wave all ups and downs of emotions, episodes of stroke like, where in the mind thinks and does its best at times and then freezes like the time is still and anything it does would be of no significance at all.

Was it the episode of priya and nitin that has turned my mind insane or is it my wish to live and love as I wanted to created such a havoc.

It is not about being depressed or discontent or dissatisfied here. For me its just a phase I am going through, a quarter life crisis might be. But this aint good, too much of boredom.

I have tons to speak, things I cant just speak with everyone, its just one right person that helps and I have waited long enough, and I still am. Why did this line come in, I don’t know.

This is a little complicated.

Knock Knock!

I don’t understand what is happening with me, seriously what the **** am I doing with my life? Where is it going?

Here, there. Then and now

I used to write, I loved to. I still do.

A couple of years ago, I used to write whenever I felt like, no matter what it was. These days I am just getting busy, busy and busier. Lots of work, lots of people to manage. The funniest part comes when I know I am capable of doing a thing, but the only reason my task is considered a failure is because “my team” couldn’t deliver.

Now everyday I think, what is happening?

I started writing this blog somewhere around 11 am and now its 1 am, I have been working for the 15th hour now, looking into two projects, and making sure 7 people with me have sufficient work for the day.

Life becomes full of surprises as we grow and it sometimes becomes harder to accept those changes, really hard. Parents start to have health issues, you start feeling the need to have someone around you. There are times when you don’t go home any longer to take a break, but just to make sure your folks back home are doing good.

Sometimes I look at the way life has turned out and feels like life is a bitch, but I cant lose hope because of something is not feeling to be right.

Things don’t remain the same, people keep changing. Sometimes thoughts just keep rushing into your mind. It very often happens with me that I start thinking aloud these days. Questions about future, life, parents keep coming into head time and again, and there is no way that we can let go of such thoughts. I mean they are a fact and they have to be accepted. Someone you love is gonna pass away eventually, nothing is eternal. Neither our pain or our gains, the loss or the success we earn.

Sometimes I feel I get saturated with things, so saturated that something that would be the best to excite me now fails and is now just a piece in the dust bin of thoughts.

Thoughts that seemingly don’t matter keep paying a visit to my already cluttered head.

The very fact that I have been writing this piece of blog since a long time shows how things are. There were times when I could write a blog or perhaps more than one a day. Might be its just that I need a good job, reduce the travel and consider things only to a certain extent and let them not bother me. I even forget to live in the moment sometimes and start feeling my presence only after I have spoken something.

Not that I am complaining, but it is just that I feel I deserve better, a lot better.

I never knew something so much would be expected out of me, I have to outgrow my age, behave more mature than I am. This is how life is going on.

No complaints, but a lack of satisfaction.

To her,

It has now been over a year I have seen her. In fact we met so that she could give me my birthday present weeks before it actually was and also to invite me to her wedding.

I never expected that day that it would be so long and time would pass by thinking hearing from you every single day, how ever busy I would be, never an occasion passed without me having scrolled to your number on my phone, but I wouldn’t dial, some sort of fear would stop me, it still does.

The texts that I get from you, “… will call you soon”, I still wait how soon is it going to be. Not that I don’t understand what you are going through. But it would have been great simply to hear you speak for a little while at least. I don’t complain about such things, but you know…

I was never in love with you, not even close. One thought that always comes to my mind and I often say this to Khaja is “I have no complaints with life, but surely her presence around would have made things a lot better”.

We never really shared problems or so, but I really like the way we build a relation and how we have respect for each other. You are the first woman I have liked so much, besides the obvious ones.  I miss the way you speak continuously sometimes.

I miss the way we used to catch up randomly for a pizza sometimes, I haven’t had a pizza since then, no proper company to go out you see.

So many things have happened with us, they’ve made us grow with time, taught us change the way we think, but still none of that changed the way we looked for each other. The fact that we both had people around us who meant a lot to each us, but the importance they had never was a factor for us being available for each other when we needed to talk or catch up for a pizza.

One thing added to my realization is that as we grow, people around us grow busy and we grow busy for them too, and we very often lose track of them. But there still will be a few people who talk to you just like yesterday, you are one of those.

It wasn’t easy for me when I split with priya, and the fact that you couldn’t help me move on with it made me realize that, there are certain times when you don’t needs someone’s sympathy or empathy, it is just someone’s being next to you would suffice.

I wish I could really find a chance to say all this to you, but I am not sure how things would go along.

The scare

I don’t still know what it is about that dream a couple of days ago. But it scares me.

25

That is how old I am now. 25.

Life is beautiful.