missing,,,

Missing my baby girl and one of my good friends, the day is turning hard to pass. Moments are just getting heavier with the day. I wish I could do something. One cant speak and the other is just …

Sometimes and always

Everyday that I wake up now has surprises, complications and challenges. Not a day goes by content. I have tried changing everything, I mean my behavior, my time splits, my priorities. I feel like I have not been made to live like peacefully. The work sometimes becomes too much, it becomes very difficult to maintain a balance, but perhaps this is an indication that I need a big change very soon. With the kid, the responsibilities have gone up.

I have never been a satisfied person as such, but things here are just going to another level, everyday that I wake up, I just want to go back to bed again, I look at my colleagues and I feel like I work a lot more than what these people do. I need to earn more money, now the question is whether staying in this job or getting a new one.

What I don’t understand is why is life supposed to be so hard? Why is it that I have always had to run towards things, is it my nature or I attract things like that? Why is is that I end up with utter dissatisfaction with everything I get involved with? Why is it that nothing seems to end properly? Why is it that I cannot take a proper break from things around? Why is it that I really love people and I don’t really love them. Why is it that I end with a thumping heart every morning, why is it that I want to lead a better life when I have everything.

Why is it that I constantly want to change the surroundings I live in? Why is it that I am dissatisfied with any amount of love, work and rest. I get paranoid when I have to decide what I need to do? Why is it that I end up losing everything I loved.

I end up talking to myself of all these things over and over and over again and find no conclusions what so ever, I want to live an extra large life and I find no way towards it.

Now a days, with this new assignment, everything is just getting shattered. I don’t understand if this is the new work or the personal situation I am in right now.

Shallow

Honestly, this is the lowest in person I have felt in a really long time. Things get complicated at times. I wonder, if I should feel bad or feel good about myself. 

There are these realities and the expectations and the actualities, and then the truth that everything looks to be but is not. Tough phase of life at work, never able to understand who is a confidant here and who is not. This part of the world seems so mean, meaner than the rest of the world; of course in the end it is our purpose that matters. Everyone is mean in one way or the other.

It is just that life gets complicated sometimes and simplifying it is yet another complexity. 

Sometimes I feel, even in every day life, there is so much ground to cover; I mean is it that I think too much or take life a little too seriously. Of course it is to take seriously, there is an entire family looking up to you, and to make a mention at work, look and what I do and look at how they see it.

But if these people around are expecting so much, then I must have done something right for sure. But why does it feel like a ton, to feel ok and let things be. Is it that there is so much I want to do in life and I am here, is it because of that I could never look up to someone and speak this out. Is is because of what I expect from life and it comes in front of me like this. But the bigger the dream, the bigger the price.

All I have realized is, nothing good comes easy; and if something isn’t supposed to stay, it wont.

Well, all I ask from Allah SWT is that to keep them thinking of me as highly as they are thinking right now and to cover all my faults and elevate me in His sight and theirs; grant me with the fortune to fulfill everyone’s and my expectations about me and my life, Aameen.

chaos internal

Its been a terrible few months when I talk to myself and see what is going on, sometimes it becomes so hard to move on over someone or something. And, you have moved on, yet feel held at times; and a moment later you snap back into reality. Some things just change us once and for all. 

Life at times poses something so stupid in front of us at times.

The rest of the life, remains as is; it is when I look around and begin to see, seeing as in really seeing, not just the view.

Phases of test; Alhamdulillah; 

The then and the now

Things just seem strange these days, I wonder what is wrong. I am half present at times and the present comes like a surprise to me often. I have began to think if I am going delusional. Familiar faces, and friends now seem strange, this feeling of not being able to connect to someone makes it worse.

People who once were friends now seem far apart, there was a time when most secretive things were shared, confided and discussed and now, there is nothing but this maze of hideous separations. All that it is, is just that it is becoming increasingly difficult to trust people around, or rather trust the thoughts of people around. 

Something or the other happens with everyone, but does it mean everyone around must face their wrath for some small/big unfairness done to them? 

It is true, when it comes to keeping oneself happy, one can go to any extent to do so, sooner or later. I guess this is just a test as to how we hold before we are forced down to our knees.

Someone once talked about everything and every little thing that he wanted to be hidden from the world, the next thing I know is, he doesn’t care for my being around. I am socially difficult too, but yes, before once turns a cold shoulder, one better remind oneself of what they have had in common.

From being best friends to strangers, from midnight birthday wishes to being forgetful. All I realize is the best of my friends have been they with whom I have just been friends and our friendship was limited to dinners and a few walks and not the ones that I spent late nights with,n or walked having ice creams, nor the ones even where I was totally happy but those where my moments were measured in terms of being there and not only being present, where my anger/desperation was understood and not judged. All it could just be that I was a difficult person to befriend with and only a few could hold on to me. And rather, expectations are the cause for such disappointments.

But yes, things do change their priority but does that mean we forget other things to the core. Things might want to change us, but how far is it justifiable for us to let them. We are eventually a part of the bigger picture, everything we do or we don’t do will cause something to happen or not happen. The Butterfly Effect what they say.

Of course, we are humans, susceptibility is only our second nature, we get easily influence by things. I do not hold myself separate from this, we all do a lot of things merely on the basis of the situation rather than foreseeing the consequences of it.

Love you too

So, there is somebody who has been searching for “love you tauseef” on Google that apparently leads to my blog. Now I am pretty sure that this somebody loves some Tauseef, (this cannot be me, I am not that loveable that people would Google for me 😀 ).

Whoever it is, I wish that this somebody finds their tauseef.

Or is it that they land on this page and go away without reading anything from here? What ever it is, love you too for such a phrase to be searching with.

May you find the one you long for so much. But you know, it is all in saying it out. All I have always believed is, if you love someone, say it. It saves so much trouble.

All the best.

Take care.

Truth be told.

What is it, that feels so free these days, like nothing ever happened, no bounds, nothing penetrating inside the brain to suck out the life fluids, like something that stopped me from stepping on my feet and moving out. It feels unleashed, unhooked and free. Solitude I have missed for a little long living among people, the like, the unlike, the wise, the unwise, the straight, the crooked, the doubting, the believing.

It feels there is nothing beyond the obvious bonds, I feel free. Normalcy is what I call it and they simply know it as insanity. Back to self sufficiency or an increased level of self respect?

The beasts seem to have calmed down, thoughts seem to have aligned, except this feels like a mind at rest and the one getting ready for a bigger battle ahead.

Stumbling thoughts, gone out of stream at times when it comes to writing. Peace is in being alone sometimes, for me most of the times it is being alone, just me. The mask of social behavior is now gone, I am now all to myself, just the way it has always been. To myself and to no one else, for some reason it feels better this way, has always felt. But yes, much of life is only beyond our comfort zones; and that perimeter just extends to oneself and no one else.

The feeling of being in the moment, be it making tea with my mother or running my fingers through my wife’s hair, or just lifting up my nephews or just handing my father his glass of cold drink. The heat, the softness, the giggles and the wetness of condensed air, those are the little things I have always loved and will always love.

Living by reasons, except for abstractions where needed and only if needed. People may not be thinking like me, they never will, and I let those souls get what they expect, what I think they expect.

Truth be told, yes it has to be; the straighter the better.


Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 26 other followers

taus.wordpress.com
37/100

Share me

Bookmark and Share
Promote Your Blog

View Syed Tauseef's profile on LinkedIn
blogarama - the blog directory

The Past

Here and there

My Flickr

Afzal-Innocence

More Photos

My Links

Blog Stats

  • 5,524 reads

Top Posts

Dates and Posts

February 2017
S M T W T F S
« Jun    
 1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728